


Maybe we can end with stars in our eyes

by Starry_fics



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst galore, But also, Canon Jewish Character, Canon Timeline, Character Death, EXTRA slow burn, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan is an asshole too, Evan is really bad at feelings, Evan's a shitty person, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff galore, For all the authors who haven't, Frenemies to Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Hey let Ev curse by e, Hurt/Comfort, I Tried, I hurt them, I really love Jared sorry, I'm Sorry, I've got no idea what I'm doing, It's more focused on the post cannon tho, JARED JUST NEEDS A HUG B Y E, Jared Being an Asshole, Jared doesn't know what he's doing, Jared is a deep charachter, Jared is having a Hard Time, Jared is so in love with Evan you FOOLS, Jared listens to show tunes fucking fight me, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Not Beta Read, Prolly some tw, Rated T because jared doesn't fucking know how not to curse, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is really sad, WRITING STUTTERS IS A P A I N, sorry I just had to say it, they're bad at feelings, theyre fucking idiots, this is a mess, why isn't that a tag yet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 10:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14714216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starry_fics/pseuds/Starry_fics
Summary: "Look, this is why I told you-what did I tell you," Jared pointedly ignored how mocking he sounded and Evan's guilty expression, "Just nod and confirm!" Evan furrowed his eyebrows at this and looked deeply confused."I tried to! I just-" He made a pained face and sighed defeatedly, "You don't understand."---It's the plot of Dear Evan Hansen but from Jared's point of view and Jared is hella gay. What could go wrong? (Mostly focusing on the aftermath)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY, S O I planned on having the plot of DEH in like one or two chapters so that I could focus on the aftermath of this but?? This came out to be SO long holy shit. I wanted to include as much Jared Angst as possible because I wanna show that he's more than a bath bomb eating asshole.
> 
> A few TW; Anxiety, bullying, homophobic slurs, a bit of internalized homophobia??, mentions of suicide (I feel like that's a bit of a given but)

“They’re gonna think you’re lovers you do realize that, right?” Jared smiled a little too widely, a little too mockingly and he pretended not to notice the taller boy’s miniscule flinch. A look crossed Evan’s face that Jared couldn’t quite place (It didn’t look like disgust though which was reassuring) but it was quickly replaced with absolute horror.

“W-what,” Evan stuttered, “Why, why would they think t-that?”

Jared clicked his tongue in an accusing sort of manner. “Uh? You were ‘best friends’”, Evan’s face soured at the air quotes Jared had added, “yet he wouldn’t let you talk to him at school -or around anyone in general- and when you did he kicked your ass? That’s like,” Jared pushed up his glasses very Matter-Of-Fact-Like, “The exact formula for ‘Secret Gay High school Lovers.” Evan’s face went through a few changes of emotions at once, among them fear, disbelief and anxiety. Jared honestly couldn’t blame him, he was also feeling a large range of emotions just because of this conversation was even happening right now.

“Oh. My. G-god.” Evan’s face was ghostly white and, wow, Jared was liking this conversation increasingly less each second it dragged on.

"Look, this is why I told you-what did I tell you," Jared pointedly ignored how mocking he sounded and Evan's guilty expression, "Just nod and confirm!" Evan furrowed his eyebrows at this and looked deeply confused.

"I tried to! I just-" He made a pained face and sighed defeatedly, "Y-you don't understand,” Evan sounded so sad that it felt like a punch in the heart, “I-i got nervous and I, uh, I started talking and once I started I just, I just…” Evan trailed off with another sad sigh and a bite of his lip.

“You just couldn’t stop,” Jared supplied oh-so-helpfully with a skeptical eyebrow raise and a dull voice. Evan took a sharp intake of breath and Jared noticed how he tensed up and his fist tightly clenched, turning his knuckles white.

“They didn’t  _ want _ me to, to stop,” Evan said it quietly and he sounded so sad and, oh God, Jared wanted to reach out and help him, to say something reassuring that would maybe calm him down and cheer him up-

“So, what else did you completely fuck up?” Oh, yeah good job, Jared, so reassuring. Evan flinched and ran a hand through his hair.

“Nothing, s-seriously,” Jared hummed skeptically, prompting Evan to keep talking. He’s known this kid for like his whole life and he’s been paying far too much attention to his stupid mannerisms and irrelevant things like that for at least three years now. He knew Evan was lying right now, and he knew Evan knew it too.

“I mean,” Evan started up again hesitantly, wringing his hands together, “I might have, uh, told them t-that we wrote, that we wrote emails?” It came out quickly like it would burn his mouth if he let it sit too long, and it sounded more like a question than a statement. Jared, to his disappointment, let out an incredulous laugh, absolutely baffled.

“Emails.”

“Um,” Evan gave Jared a worried glance, “Y-yeah. I told them that C-connor and I, uh, Connor has, had, a secret e-email?” Jared pinched his nose and let out an annoyed sigh, trying to sort through the possible responses to this. I mean, who gets themselves into situations like this except Evan? Because he can’t even begin to formulate a proper response, his brain goes into autopilot and his mouth just starts talking.

“Right,” Jared drawls, dragging out the ‘i’ for an absurd amount of time, “one of those “secret emails” you use for “best friends”,” Jared rolls his eyes and wishes that he could just stop being such an asshole, “for sending pictures of your dicks to each other, right?” Well, looks like it’s a bit late for that ‘not being an asshole’ thing. If you could win awards for being a dick to your closest friends, Jared would win it.

Evan’s face graduated from worried to absolutely mortified, his face turning a very dark shade of red and he makes a pained noise into his hands.”Yeah,” his voice came out about three octaves higher than normal, which should have been absolutely hilarious and not something Jared found mildly cute, “A-and so, like, I said he had, he had this, this s-secret email account, and we would, um, w-we would send emails to each other,” Evan’s speech became more and more jumbled with each word and Jared was lucky he was an expert in Evan mumbling because otherwise, he'd have no idea what the taller boy had just said.

“I mean, honestly,” Jared didn’t particularly know how to finish that so he went with his gut, a horrible idea really, “Could you be any worse at this?” Jared should really be asking himself the same question. This conversation was going downhill at about 100 miles per hour. Suddenly, Evan’s face gradually changed with dawning realization, and judging by how quickly Evan’s face turned pale, Jared knew whatever Evan thought of couldn’t mean anything good.

“They’re g-gonna want to see the, the emails,” Evan’s eyes searched Jared’s face frantically and Jared would be lying if he said he had a clue what Evan was searching for.

“You think,” Jared snorted and rolled his eyes for the sole purpose of tearing them away from Evan’s face so he didn’t stare. This only earned him a very pointed expression from said boy that Jared chose to ignore.

“What, what do you t-think I should do?” Evan looked down at the shorter boy desperately, his face contorted with anxiety and worry. Jared had a sudden thought just then and he  _ knew _ a bad idea, a truly horrible idea, really, and he really shouldn’t-

“I can do emails,” it surprised him to hear himself talking, not actually wanting to suggest it. Evan gave him a look of pure, unguarded, surprise, reflecting exactly how Jared felt on the inside. Then, Evan furrowed his eyebrows, expression changing to skeptical.

“How?”

“Oh, it’s easy,” it was actually incredibly hard, “You make an account, back-date the emails, piece of cake,” a complete lie, it was actually a pain in the ass and requires a lot of coding and hacking into the email itself, “ There’s a reason I was the only CIT with key card access to the computer cluster this summer at camp: I got skills, son.” Jared cringes internally, hating how dumb that sounds and how self-absorbed he sounded.

“Y-you would do that?” Jared could hear the unspoken ‘for me’ that Evan desperately wanted to add and it broke Jared’s heart that Evan didn’t think he’d do it.

“For two grand.” And now he’s ruined it. Wow, Jared, good fucking job. You had one chance and you blew it.

“Two thousand dollars,” Evan shrieked incredulously, attracting the attention of a few kids in the hall, but they chose to ignore the two bickering and move on with their day.

“Five hundred,” Jared reasoned and Evan groaned.

“I can give you t-twenty.”

Jared sighed, what on earth was he getting himself into?

“Fine,” Evan’s face broke into a smile that could shame the sun and made Jared’s heart melt into a big, mushy mess in his chest, “But you’re a dick,” Jared quickly added. For good measure. Evan smiled still, but he rolled his eyes playfully.

“Figures,” Evan chuckles and it makes Jared smile involuntarily. Sometimes he forgets that Evan is, or can even act like, a teenager.

“Thank you, Jared,” Evan didn’t stutter when he said it, and his voice was soft, along with his smile. Jared shrugged it off, pointedly ignoring his rapidly beating heart and warm face.

“‘ ‘s no problem, Hansen.”  Evan flashed him a very small, shy smile that made Jared’s heart try and leave his body, and then the bell rang. Evan jumped slightly, spooked by the bell, and quickly gathered his things out of his locker, waved to Jared, and scurried off down the crowded hall. Jared waved back, even though he knew Evan couldn’t see him and headed towards his fourth period. When Jared got to his class and he noticed that his heart was still beating irregularly and he had a light feeling in his chest, he knew he was in deep shit.

He had always told himself to keep Evan at an arm's length distance, both physically and emotionally, to try and avoid the inevitable. Jared didn’t want to get to close to Evan (again) because, well, he didn’t want to care so much. That plan had, obviously, just worked so well considering Jared’s current state. His feelings towards Evan hadn’t been exactly familial years now, and no matter how hard Jared tried, no matter how much Jared ignored him or pretended not to care, nothing changed. It really was frustrating, and Jared knew that at this point all he was doing was hurting himself and Evan which really wasn’t what he wanted but, well. Here he was. Jared also knew he couldn’t just randomly start being all nice and caring towards Evan (Outworldly, at least. He already did that internally) because he would most definitely give Evan a heart attack, and it wouldn’t do  _ anything _ for Jared’s already infuriating feelings. Why did his friend have to be so adorably dorky and good looking?

Or, well, family friend, as Jared kept insisting.

Right as the bell was ringing for the two-minute warning, Jared got a text. Confused, he opened and was met with a text from Evan, his usual perfect grammar and punctuation ever present.

**Hansen** :

Hey. I just realized that I forgot to ask if you could actually drive me home today? To work on the emails. Obviously. Mom isn’t home until late today because she has classes right after work, so. You could probably stay the night too if you wanted?

Jared smiled to himself. God, was he going to regret this.

**Insanely Cool ;)**

Sure thing ill drop by my house 2 grab clothes

Meet u @ my locker after school

Okay so Jared’s texting grammar was actually the worst and a lot of people gave him shit for it. He knew Evan would to if he’d been more comfortable. But, Jared’s life motto is basically ‘If you’re not going to do things for yourself, do it out of spite’ and he’s done pretty well so far. He thinks that at this point if you were to look up petty, it’d just be a picture of him. Man, no wonder he didn’t have friends. But, honestly, for how much he wanted to not be, he was a bit excited because he’d, annoyingly enough, missed hanging out with Evan. Sure, he was going to Evan’s house for a weird, not fully explained reason that Jared couldn't wrap his head around, but it was still hanging with Evan nonetheless. Wait, that sounded weird and sappy, didn’t it?

Fuck, it did.

Jared wishes he could say he stopped thinking about going to Evan’s after fourth and went on with his day normally, but that'd be a complete fucking lie.

Doesn’t mean he can pretend to forget.

“Jared!” he turned to see Evan walking considerably faster than normal to catch up to him (Jared wouldn’t call it running or jogging, Evan wouldn’t run after him). His hair was a bit of a mess because of the wind and gloomy skies, some of his dark blond hair sticking up in places. Jared slowed down some to allow the taller boy to catch up (Seriously, when did that happen? Evan has been shorter than him for the longest time and now he’s like 5 inches taller?) and eventually stopped at his locker to put away his textbook for physics. Evan came up next to him after a moment and tried to steady his breathing.

“J-jared, uh, you almost, uh, l-left without me,” Evan panted, the statement sounding more like a question than anything. Jared tried to school his features into something neutral, something he was getting quite good at, and gave Evan a blank stare.

“Oh?” He said it absently, and Jared saw a look of sadness cross Evan’s face, so he quickly tried to amend. Fuck, he really had a knack for messing things up, didn’t he? “I’m joking,” he said quickly and gave Evan a smile. The tension in Evan’s shoulders melted some.

“Oh, uh,” Evan chuckled awkwardly, “Right. O-of course,” He looked as though he was mentally scolding himself and it made Jared a bit upset to see Evan like that just because he was an asshole. They settled into an awkward silence as Jared put his things away and closed his locker. He swears he could literally cut the tension between them, even in the loud and crowded hall. As they slowly made their way to the parking lot where Jared’s car was, Jared was frantically searching for something, anything, to say to break the awkward silence. Usually, he wouldn’t mind that much, but he knows that Evan will just start  _ talking _ when it’s quiet and if Evan starts talking then he’ll ramble, and then Jared’ll have to pretend to not care about whatever Evan’s saying because he just can’t fucking give Evan a break. Then, sooner or later, it’ll turn into some dumb fight and they won't talk for like a week, Jared will give a half-assed apology that couldn’t sound sincere even if he’d tried, and Evan would eventually give in, forgive him, and they’d be back at square one. Rinse, repeat.

God, Jared wished he could stop being such a fucking horrible person for once.

“So,” Jared started up, dragging out the ‘o’. Evan looked down at him expectantly, almost tiredly. “How are we gonna do these emails? Like,” Jared swam for the right words, trying his absolute best not to do something dumb, “What are you going to… say?” Christ, he’s starting to sound a bit like Evan with all his awkward pauses and agonizing tension. Evan’s face did something complicated, something that he did a lot, and settled on a face of pure exhaustion and a hit of terror. It did absolutely nothing to ease Jared’s anxiety.

“I uh,” Evan said tiredly, defeated, “I haven’t, uh, t-thought that f-far yet?” Jared sighed, exasperated.

“Of course you haven’t, why would you? It’s not like this is important or anything,” Jared gave Evan a pointed look. Evan shrank into himself and Jared felt a wave of regret wash over him. “Gosh, Evan, I’m just joking! No need to freak out!” Jared bit his lip at his own condescending tone.

“I, I’m not f-freaking out,” Evan said defensively as he came up to Jared’s car. Jared fished around for his keys as he shook his head.

“Right, of course, you aren’t,” He heard Evan make a frustrated sound from across the way.

“Jared I’m not-” Evan took a deep breath, “Whatever. L-lets just get going so we can, we can work on these e-emails.” Jared glanced up from his bag for a brief moment at Evan, who seemed to be glaring down at the car like it had wronged him. It made Jared kinda sad, honestly, that Evan couldn’t just tell him to fuck off. If anything he deserved it for being such an asshole to him. But also, Jared should really just learn how not to be an asshole. He sighed even thinking about it, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to do that. Jared looked down at his bag again, a sour taste in his mouth, and looked for his keys again. Once he finally found them, he unlocked the car and watched as Evan quickly got in, like he couldn’t stand the silence anymore. Jared lingered outside for a minute and ran a hand through his hand nervously. How the hell was he ever going to survive this?

“J-jared? Are y-you coming?” Jared took a deep breath and nodded, turning around and opening the car door.

“Yeah, yeah. S-” Jared stopped himself. He was about to start apologizing for holding them up. Couldn’t do that, he knew what would happen then. Jared screwed his eyes shut for a second before sitting down in the driver's seat and turning on the engine. Jared gripped the steering wheel a bit too tightly and tried to plaster on an arrogant smile. He was fine, really. Everything would be-

“Jared? A-are you, uh, okay,” fine. Everything would be fine.

Jared let out a weak laugh and he cringed internally. “Yeah, Acorn, why wouldn’t I be?” Evan looked at him with a face of… concern? That set something off in Jared, a sort of fear, it made his stomach churn and he laughed again, hoping the feeling in his stomach would go  _ away _ . “Hah, whatever, wanna put on some music?” Evan’s face contorted for a second more before he seemed to let it go, and nodded with a small, hesitant smile that made Jared’s stomach churn in a different way. Jared took out his phone and plugged it into the aux, going to his Spotify and pressing shuffle on the first playlist he saw. A soft melody started playing and Jared recognized it almost instantly, making him smile as he pulled out of his parking spot.

_ I close my eyes and I can see the world that’s waiting up for me _

“W-what song is t-this? I-it’s… nice,” Evan asked quietly and Jared whipped his head around to face the boy next to him.

“Are you seriously telling me you haven’t seen the cinematic masterpiece that is The Greatest Showman,” Jared said incredulously. Evan shook his head hesitantly and Jared laughed as he turned his head back towards the road. “You haven’t even heard the soundtrack?” There was a moment of silence where Jared assumed Evan was shaking his head, and then a quiet “Uh, no?” 

“Okay, you know what? Turn on my phone right now and go back to the first song and take it off shuffle, I have premium so it’s cool,” He heard rustling next to him, “Oh, and the passcode is 0924.” Jared waited for the song to be changed, but after another minute of the same song, Jared got curious and Glanced over at Evan as they reached a stoplight. Evan was looking at him with a really confused face. “What,” Jared asked, trying his best to mask the worry he suddenly felt.

“I just- Nevermind,” Evan said quickly, unlocking the phone and changing the song. Jared tried to let it go, but the churning in the stomach wouldn’t let him.

“No, what is it? Did I like, say something weird,” Jared tried to remember what his lock screen is, but it’s totally escaped him. He tried not to think too hard as he pressed down on the gas again once the light turned green.

“Uhm,” Evan said uncertainty, “I-it’s just, uh, y-your passcode… Is it m-my birthday,” Evan asked, mumbling some. Jared felt all the color drain from his face. He hadn’t been thinking about that when he told Evan his password. Instead of telling the truth and facing the music, though, he lied. ‘Cause that’s what he does best. 

“What? No, of course not it’s,” Jared tried to think of an excuse but nothing came up, and he was going to sigh defeatedly when;

“R-right, of c-course,” Evan said with badly masked sadness. Jared felt a pang in his heart that beat in time with the song. God, he wishes he could stop being so scared of confrontation for once. He pushed it deep down again, though, and tried to pay attention to the song, hoping that it would calm him down so he could just. Survive. After a while, Jared couldn’t help but sing along to the song because. Well.

“ _ Don’t fight it it’s comin for you, runnin at ‘ya. It’s only this moment, don’t care what comes after… _ ”  Jared alternated between humming and singing at certain parts and as he got the chills from the song, absently wondered if Evan also got goosebumps from songs. He’d read somewhere once that only some people get goosebumps when listening to music. Had to do with the auditory glands in your brain, or something like that, he couldn’t remember exactly.

“I-i, uh, didn’t know you still did, uh, did theatre,” Came a small voice from next to him. Jared tried to ignore the small pang he felt in his chest.

“Yep! I’m thinking about doing theatre classes in college, maybe even minor in it,” Jared said it calmly, masking any and all excitement he actually felt about the subject. Doing theatre when you’re a senior in high school isn’t cool.

“That’s c-cool,” Evan said and as Jared glanced over, he caught a glimpse of a small smile, making his heart do that weird fluttery thing he hated oh-so-much. God, even a small smile that wasn’t even technically directed towards him made him want to swoon? How fucking pathetic can he get? Jared lets out a bitter sigh as he pulled into his driveway and turned off the engine of his car. His mom’s car was gone, per usual, so Jared would be faced with an empty house once he stepped inside. Jared glanced wearily at the two-story house that sat in front of him, and the looked over to Evan, who looked incredibly uncomfortable in the silence.

“Wanna wait in the car while I go and get my shit or…” Jared trailed off awkwardly. When was the last time he’d had Evan in the same vicinity of his house, anyway?

“I’ll uh, I-i’ll wait in the c-car,” Evan mumbled, wringing his hands together and eyes cast downwards. Jared nodded and got out of the car, slowly making his way into the garage. He’d almost always use the garage door instead of the front door when entering his house, he never really knew why. He guessed it was an old habit from when he was younger and his dad did the same exact thing. Once he stepped inside, he was met with an empty kitchen and a note on the fridge whiteboard. His mom bought that whiteboard after his dad disappeared so she could tell Jared whenever she’d be gone. Now that Jared was 17 and could easily watch himself without his mom giving explicit details of where the milk was and what he could make for dinner it was a bit pointless, but he appreciated the thought. He scanned the note absently and moved on through the kitchen and into the living room. Jared passed the array of photos all over the walls, mostly of him (Some of them with Evan when they were in elementary and middle school together) and went upstairs and into his bedroom. He glanced at all the clothes strewn around his bedroom and made his way around, grabbing things he’d need.

When was the last time he’d been over at Evan’s house? God, it was probably sometime around middle school. Actually, Jared knows exactly the last time he was at Evan’s house, he remembered that day clear as ever and he regrets that day a lot.

\---

_ Jared made his way across the quad and towards the large oak tree where he knew Evan would be. He shouldered his overnight bag to try and balance it out with his school bag and stumbled a bit. After a second his balance was restored and he began to walk again, but someone blocked his path forcing him to stop. He glanced up at the face of a boy who seemed to be about 5’7 and had unruly hair that was a bit overgrown. Connor Murphy. Jared had never had a conversation with Connor but he’d heard a lot of rumors, so he was a bit wary of the taller boy. _

_ “What’s up Kleinman,” He said, voice sour and a small smile on his face, “Where are you headed? Your  _ Boyfriends _ house?” Jared felt his heart seize in his chest. He took a breath. _

_ “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Connor,” Jared said calmly, ignoring the rapid heartbeat in his chest. Connor snorted, apparently amused. _

_ “Oh come on,” He said condescendingly, “We all see how you look at Hansen with that dumb lovestruck expression,” Jared felt his breath catch. Lovestruck? “It’s stupid. The kid can’t even talk to a teacher without breaking down crying. It’s absolutely  _ pathetic _.” Jared felt anger bubble up inside of him and he let it numb the fear he felt. _

_ “Hey, Evan can’t help it,” Jared looked up at Connor and tried to stand his ground. He’d heard people talk bad about Evan so much and it… hurt him. It made him so upset because Evan didn’t deserve that kind of treatment. _

_ “Can’t help it? The fuck does that even mean,” Connor asked, furrowing his eyebrows. _

_ “It means exactly what I said dumbass, it means he can’t help it,” Jared fired back, anger flaring up again. He kind of regretted calling Connor a dumbass because he knows that Evan doesn’t like him cursing, but Jared feels as though it’s necessary. “Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go, Evan’s expecting me,” Jared said, trying his hardest to walk past Connor. Connor sidestepped and blocked his path once more, though. _

_ “No no no, not so fast, Kleinman, we aren’t done here,” Connor said with a smile down towards him, “You can’t leave until you admit that you and Hansen are dating.” Jared clenches his fists. _

_ “We. Aren’t. Dating,” Jared said, punctuating each world by digging his fists into his hands. God, he wished he could just be swallowed into the ground. Connor laughed. _

_ “Are you sure about that, Kleinman? ‘Cause you’re not fooling anyone. You cling so much to that poor kid. Must be so sick of you,” Each word felt like a blow to Jared’s heart like someone had just stabbed him and he couldn’t breathe. “So why don’t you just accept that you’re a fucking fag,” Connor spat at him. Jared bit the inside of his cheek and willed himself to just  _ not cry _. _

_ “Listen, Connor,” Jared hated how pathetic he sounded, “You can say whatever you want about me, I couldn’t care less,” He was lying, “But leave Evan the fuck alone. Ev has done nothing to you so just fuck off,” Jared glared at Connor, whose face fell a fraction in shock. Jared took the opportunity to leave and go towards the oak tree. He’s wiping the tears out of his already blurry vision and he was trying to control his breathing and rapid heartbeat. Connor may have called Evan pathetic, but  _ he  _ was the pathetic one. Couldn’t even handle being called names. Jared wanted it to not affect him, He’s been bullied all of middle school, so why was this time any different? Maybe it was because this time all the stuff Connor had said was actually true. He’d hit Jared’s insecurities on the head and he fucking  _ hated it _. _

_ “J-jared! There you are!” He hears someone call to him once the tree was in his line of sight. Jared took a deep breath and plastered on a smile. He didn’t need to worry Evan more than he already had. _

_ “Hey Ev! You ready to party tonight,” Jared said with a laugh. Evan smiled brightly at him and Jared felt his heart do that weird flippy thing. _

_ “Yeah, where were you, t-though? You were so…” Evan trailed off with an awkward smile and hand gesture. _

_ “Late,” Jared supplied helpfully, “Yeah, sorry. Reveries kept me so late! Something about, like, a test or something,” He’s lying again, and this time to his best friend. “Anywho, let’s get going, I’m starved. Heidi make her famous brownies?” Evan’s face fell slightly but a smile appeared almost instantly.  _

_ “U-uh, no? She w-was too busy with, uh, with work? S-so…” Jared felt a small pang of guilt. _

_ “No, no, it’s fine, Ev! We’ll eat something else. Now let’s start walking,” Jared smiled at Evan, for good measure. Evan gave a shy smile back. They’d been walking for no less than ten minutes when Evan spoke up again. _

_ “Jared? Are you, uh, okay? I noticed t-that uh, you’re quieter today. I-i know that sometimes when y-you’re sad or mad that you d-don’t talk. And I wanted t-to make sure you’re fine?” Evan stumbled through the few sentences with worry written across his face. Jared bit his lip. It was now or never. _

_ “Evan, am I… clingy” Jared laughed to try and cover his anxiety. Evan stopped walking and looked at him confused. _

_ “Clingy? W-what gave you that idea? N-no, Jared, you aren’t clingy.” Jared nodded and laughed again. _

_ ‘Yeah, no, you’re right. That was a stupid question,” Evan shook his head instantly. _

_ “N-no it wasn't! Look,” Evan put his hands on Jared’s shoulders, “You are a g-great and amazing friend a-and you are not clingy,” Evan smiled sweetly at him. Jared smiled back willing his tears back. When Evan hugged him, Jared felt like he couldn’t breathe with all the emotions he was feeling. _

_ Now it was Evan lying to him. Go figure. _

\---

Jared was shaking, fuck. He shouldn’t be thinking about this right now. He should be focusing on the fact that Evan was currently, willingly, sitting in his car waiting for him. Jared took a deep breath and quickly grabbed the rest of the things he’d need and bolted down the stairs, through the rest of the house, and stopped at the door. Jared took a deep breath as he opened the door and stepped into the garage, he desperately needed to calm his nerves. He would be fine.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The song quoting begins Also I will admit. Most of this is filler.  
> Tw: Panic attacks, Mentions of suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I took a few creative liberties with the dialogue of this part of the show. It's not exactly the same (Obviously, because that'd be boring otherwise) but it still gets the point across. Also sorry the Sincerely Me portion is so short, it was a bit hard to incorporate w/o all the repeating lyrics. I also talk about Rent in this and my Queer ass can relate to both Evan and Jared. Rent is filled with pretty actors, I don't make the rules.

“Alrighty then, let’s get-a writing,” Jared threw his bags onto Evan’s bed and ignored how different it looked in here than it did in middle school. The old posters and such from all Evan’s favorite books and TV shows have disappeared and left behind was a barren nothingness of a room containing a bed, a desk, a chair, and a crappy old laptop. Jared took a seat on Evan’s desk chair (An old dining table chair) and opened up Evans laptop, knowing there wouldn’t be a passcode. He knew Evan didn’t trust himself to remember passwords on things like his computer. He opened up a word document and turned his body to face Evan, who stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. “No need to stand and gawk like you’re some kind of fucking deer, now come and help me,” Jared said snarkily. Evan scrambled towards the desk and stood next to Jared, looking at the computer screen wearily.

“S-so, uh, h-how do we start,” Evan asked quietly. Jared sighed exasperatedly.

“We might wanna start with ‘dear blank’ or whatever,” Jared pointed out sarcastically and quickly started typing on the laptop.

**Dear, Evan Hansen**

Jared glanced up at Evan, who seemed to have no clue on what to write, so he continued quietly.

**We’ve been way too out of touch. Things have been crazy and it sucks that we don’t talk that much. But I should tell you I think of you each night,**

From the corner of his eye, Jared could See Evan looking down at him, obviously confused. Jared smiled maliciously, but he knew internally how fucking mean this was. Why did he agree to do this again?

**I rub my nipples and start moaning with delight**

“W-why would you w-write that!” Jared looked up at Evan lazily and was met with a very angry looking Evan, his face was red from embarrassment and, wow, could Jared’s brain fucking  _ not _ freak like that at the most inconvenient of times?

“I’m just trying to tell the truth,” Jared laughed, hoping he was covering up how awkward he was feeling.

“Y-you know, Jared, if you a-aren’t going to take this s-seriously-”

“Okay okay okay, you need to calm yourself,” Evan turned around and looked at him exasperated. Jared bit his lip and waited for Evan to get mega-pissed at him and for them to get into a huge fight.

“This needs to be p-perfect,” Evan said, surprisingly calm, “These emails have to prove that we were actually friends! They have to be completely realistic,” Jared furrowed his eyebrows. He might be reading this wrong but was that…?

“Hey,” Jared said, trying to mask his worry, “There is nothing unrealistic about the love one man feels for another,” Evan’s face turned sour for a second too long and Jared felt his heart practically die before Evan’s face relaxed again.

“No that’s n-not what I,” Evan sighed and decided to try again, “Just, let’s just go back,” Jared still felt.. weird. So he tried again.

“In fact, some would even go to say that there’s something quite beautiful…” Evan sighed and pushed him over.

“J-jared, move, I’m taking over,” Jared was mildly surprised about how demanding Evan sounded so, naturally, he made a joke.

“Damn, Hansen, being assertive now are we?” Evan glared at him as he took the seat Jared had previously occupied.

“Let’s go back, Jared.”

**I gotta tell you, life without you has been hard.**

“Hard?” Jared interjected, sounding unimpressed. Evan sighed and pressed backspace.

**Has been bad.**

“Bad?” Jared interrupted again. Evan bit his lip anxiously and pressed backspace once again.

**Has been rough.**

“Kinky,” Jared said, pointing finger guns at Evan. Evan turned towards him and sighed, obviously annoyed.

“J-jared. Please,” Evan pleaded. Jared raised his hands in surrender. 

**And I miss talking about life and other stuff**

“Veeeery specific,” Jared said sarcastically. Evan’s hands stopped moving for a second and Jared watched as his shoulders rose up and down a few times.

**I like my parents**

“Who even says that Evan you said that you wanted this to be realistic…”

“J-jared,” Evan said sternly.

**I love my parents, but each days another fight. If I stop smoking drugs then ev’rything might be alright**

“Smoking drugs…” Jared said with a laugh. Evan got up from the seat then and pointed at it.

“You know what, j-just fix it,” Evan said with a clipped tone. Jared rolled his eyes and sat down, reading over the letter once more.

“This doesn’t even sound like Connor, it’s not realistic like, at all,” Jared said with raised eyebrows.

“I-i just,” Evan said, starting to defend himself, “I want t-to show that I was a g-good friend, you know? T-that I was just trying t-to help?” Evan ended it like it was a question. Jared laughed involuntarily. Well, no backing out now.

“Oh. My. God…”

**If I stop smoking crack**

“Crack,” Evan practically yelled at him, aghast. Jared sighed and pressed backspace.

**If I stop smoking pot then ev’rything might be alright. I’ll take your advice, I’ll try and be more nice, I’ll turn it around just wait and see. ‘Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention. It’s easy to change if you give it your attention! All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be!**

**Sincerely, me**

Jared sighed as they finished up the letter. Once he read it it sounded… horrible. Absolutely horrendous. They were worse at this than he thought. “Are we done yet,” Jared asked, faking impatience.

“I can’t just show them  _ one _ email,” Evan said seriously, giving him a pointed look.

“Okay, you need to calm down,” Jared said condescendingly. Evan just gave him a pointed look and squished himself close to Jared to start typing again. (Jared definitely wasn’t just paying attention to how their arms were touching.)

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**Yes, I also miss our talks. Stop doing drugs, just try to take deep breaths and go on walks.**

“Oh my god, no,” Jared said with a laugh. Evan ignored him, though, and just kept typing.

**I’m sending pictures of the most amazing trees.**

“No,” Jared shook his head and ignored how _Evan_ that was.

**You’ll be impressed with all my forest expertise!**

“Absolutely not,” he laughed. Evan seemed to take a few deep breaths before continuing on. How the hell was he not completely fed up with Jared yet? Evan pushed the laptop towards Jared, indication he should write it. Jared raised his eyebrows but didn’t say anything

**Dude, I’m proud of you. Just keep pushing through, you’re turnin’ around, I can see! ‘Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention! It’s easy to change if you give it your attention! All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be**

**Sincerely, Me.**

**P.S Your sister’s hot.**

“What the hell,” Evan glares at him. Jared smiled and pushes up his glasses and pretends to not be bothered by Evan’s crush on Zoe (again).

“My bad,” He said and deleted the text.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**

**Thanks for ev’ry note you send.**

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**I’m just glad to be your friend.**

Jared glanced at Evan after he wrote it, But Evan didn’t really seem to notice, he was spacing out.

“Evan? You there? Earth to Evan,” Jared waved his hand in front of Evan’s face, who jumped. Evan recoiled from Jared and looked at him, panic clear in his eyes. When Evan realized he wasn’t in immediate danger, his shoulders relaxed and his hands felt limp at his sides. “He lives,” Jared jokes, and notices Evan tense up again for a few seconds. Jared doesn’t have much time to think about it, though, because suddenly Evan is getting up and moving.

“I-i think that’s good for t-today. We can, uh, we c-can make more emails if we n-need,” Evan’s eyes were anywhere but Jared’s face as he backs out of the room. “I-i’m gonna get f-food. Uh, yeah,” And with that, Evan scrambled out of the room, leaving Jared absolutely dumbfounded. He had absolutely no clue what had just happened, and frankly, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know. Evan had just completely freaked out on him, and it wasn’t his normal anxiety thing, Jared could tell it was different. He just couldn’t tell… why. He wasn’t sure why it bothered him so much, honestly, he really shouldn’t care. He shouldn’t that much about Evan because he was the one who pushed Evan away and… and what? That still hasn’t changed shit, obviously. Jared sighs and gets up from the chair, stretches, and slowly makes his way out of Evan’s bedroom. In all honesty, he wasn’t sure where he’d been planning on going so he shouldn’t have been surprised when he ended up in the kitchen staring at Evan. The taller boy seemed to be making ramen of some kind but Jared heard him muttering softly to himself as he cooked, if you could even call it cooking. He considered listening in, but decided that despite how much of an asshole he is, that was a new kind of low. He cleared his throat quietly in hopes to not scare Evan too bad but fails miserably anyway because. Well.

“O-oh! Jared uhm, hey,” Evan says sheepishly, quickly looking back down at his ramen, scratching at his left arm. Jared smiled at him with as much cockiness as he could muster.

“Think you could get rid of me that easily, Acorn,” Jared asks with a laugh. Evan quickly turns around with panicked eyes.

“N-no! Of c-course not, J-jared! I would n-never,” His stuttering was getting worse and Jared felt so  _ bad _ .

“Jesus Christ, Evan, I was just joking, please chill out,” Jared says, trying to make amends but honestly, he just made it worse. Evan shrinks into himself a little more, biting his lip.

“Y-yeah, uh, right, haha.” Jared worries his lip as he stands awkwardly in the doorway of Evans kitchen. He needs out of there like  _ right now _ before he does something monumentally dumb, which he does very often. He tries his hardest to think of an escape from this incredibly awkward situation, but not much comes up.

“I’ll, uh, be right back,” Jared says quickly, and the bolts down the hall and into the first room he sees, which just so happens to be the bathroom. He hurriedly stepped inside and shut the door a little too hard then put his back up against the door, letting out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Why the hell had he agreed to stay the night? Jared decided that he hated whatever made him think that’d be a good idea because it wasn’t. It was a bad idea. A really, really, really,  _ really _ bad idea. God, he could barely hold a single conversation with Evan, how did he even think he’d survive the night? Jared was definitely going to mess up  _ something _ while here, he could feel it. He had no place to escape to if he got overwhelmed, he couldn’t give Evan a break because he was just a huge fucking hypocrite that had no friends. He never thought he’d reach this point in his life, sitting in Evan Hansen’s bathroom fighting off a mental breakdown because his already rocky friendship with Evan was slowly deteriorating and his dumb feelings were just making it worse. How fucking depressing. 

\---

“I could order us Pizza. I got paid yesterday and I’m starving,” Jared said around 7 pm. The whole afternoon had been painfully awkward, neither of the boys knew what to do or how to communicate with each other, so after Jared spend  _ ages _ backdating the emails (This took like 3 hours and another almost breakdown because of how frustrated he’d been, but he just told Evan, who had been watching tv or whatever, he’d taken a nap. He thinks Evan didn’t buy it.) they ended up watching something on Netflix. Sadly, it hadn’t been The Greatest Showman like Jared had wanted (They didn’t have it yet) so they just ended up watching The Office because it was a safe choice that wouldn’t freak anyone out. Evan glanced over at him from his place at the end of the couch.

“Y-you don’t have t-to do that. M-mom left money…” Evan argued, not very convincingly. Maybe Heidi had left money for Evan to buy food, but Jared also knows that Heidi would appreciate having the extra ten or so dollars in her bank account.

“Nah, if I order this for you my mom might let me, like, get out of doing chores,” Jared didn’t really have a set chores list anymore since he was usually home alone anyhow. Evan didn’t need to know that, though, “It’ll help both of us.” Evan stayed silent for a minute or so, long enough for Jared to glance over at the taller boy and see him staring off into space. Jared wasn’t even sure if Evan had heard him until he finally opened his mouth.

“A-are you, uh, sure?” Evan’s voice was soft and he sounded worried and it made Jared’s chest feel funny but he pretended it didn’t because. Well. There was no point in saying anything at this point anyway.

“Yeah, wouldn’t’ve offered if I wasn’t,” Jared laughed. Evan smiled at him gratefully and Jared was really starting to wish he could just not feel things wow. Evan slowly removed himself from the couch and started towards the hall, but stopped halfway before turning back around and facing Jared.

“A-any requests,” Evan asks him quietly. Jared just shrugs in response, he doesn’t really care what kind of pizza he has as long as it’s edible. Evan still stood in the entryway of the hall, awkwardly glancing at Jared every few seconds and fiddling with the hem of his shirt. It took Jared a moment to realize that Evan was still waiting for an answer because he doesn’t trust himself to just order without Jared’s input.

“Just anything is fine, really. Pepperoni,” he says nonchalantly and watches as Evans shoulders, which had been slowly hiking up the longer Jared was silent, lowered themselves slowly.  Evan nodded and quietly went to order the pizza off the computer, leaving Jared alone. As Jared glanced around the living room, the soft sound of the TV in the background, he was hit with a wave of nostalgia. The last time he’d been in this room alone was when he’d realized that he had fallen for Evan, which was a bittersweet memory. He remembered him and Evan joking ‘round, they’d had the house to themselves. They’d decided to play truth or dare because, well, they were middle school boys left alone in a house and had very dumb ideas. He remembers that he’d asked Evan if he’d ever kissed anyone (he already knew the answer but he was running out of ideas) and when Evan had said no, Jared had a horrible idea. And like all horrible ideas he has, he doesn’t think much about it and follows through because he’s not the smartest.

“Do you want to kiss me? For, like, practice,” he’d said. Evan had looked at him like he was absolutely batshit crazy, probably because he was. At the time, Jared had thought that it was a joke, didn’t mean anything. But when Evan had actually said  _ yes _ and Jared felt his heart jump into his throat and his stomach twist, he had doubts. Then, when Evan’s lips just barely brushed his for a millisecond and Evan had jumped back in surprise, he started to realize the “joke”.  When Evan had hurriedly said he left something in his room and bolted out of the room at speeds Jared had never known humanly possible and Jared felt his heart sink, he began to realize that maybe it hadn’t been a joke.

“J-jared,” Evan’s voice made him look up, probably resembling a deer caught in headlights. “Sh-shit, sorry I didn’t mean to, uh, scare you,” Evan instantly apologized, looking a bit panicked.  Jared swallowed down the surprise and a few other emotions he wasn’t about to admit he was feeling and smiled up at Evan.

“Nah you’re cool, I just spaced out,” He said, grateful his voice was level and much calmer than he’d thought it would be. Evan bit his lip and nodded, eyes roaming around the room and avoiding Jared.  They fell into an awkward silence that left Jared feeling very unsettled as he swam for something to say. “So, what kind of pizza did you order,” He said finally. Evan glanced down at him a little worriedly.

“Um, p-pepperoni like you asked for. A-and breadsticks,” He muttered. Jared smiled, at least he was spending his money on something that would taste good. “W-what do we, uh, w-wanna do while we, uh, we w-wait,” Evan asked, messing with the hem of his striped polo again. Jared worried his lip, practically feeling the awkwardness and tension leak back into the air slowly. God, he’s never had to keep up this asshole persona for so long and it was proving to be much harder than he thought it’d be. He really needed some food or sleep or  _ something _ to distract him from the monstrosity that this whole day has been. Or, actually, more like this whole month. This whole Connor thing was proving to be much harder than he’d ever expected with all this lying to the Murphy’s and helping write these fake emails and such. It was incredibly draining, to say the least.

“J-jared…?” Oh, yeah, he actually had to reply to Evan.

“We can just like, watch TV or something, I guess,” He said, hoping his voice doesn’t sound flat and hoping Evan doesn’t notice how tired he suddenly felt. Things would be easier once they had dinner, maybe conversation would flow better.

Maybe.

Hopefully.

Jared slowly followed Evan over the the couch and sat down, feeling his exhaustion almost take over (He pretended to not notice that once he sat down, Evan sat as far away as possible on the small loveseat. He also pretended not to notice the way his heart broke a little bit because of it). Evan reached for the remote that had been left on the small coffee table and pressed play on Netflix, the sounds of The Office theme greeting their ears. Jared isn’t really paying attention to the show if he’s being honest, he’s probably seen it about a million times as it was one of Evan’s favorites in middle school. No, instead he was watching Evan out of the corner of his eye which was probably a bit creepy, but it was way more interesting than the show in his eyes. This used to be one of his favorite activities when he came over to Evans when they were younger, watching TV because it had always given Jared a chance to just. Think. And maybe watch Evan, because he was helplessly falling for him at that time. Once again, Jared was reminded of the last time he had been at Evans house, how many times can he think of that dreaded night in one afternoon? It was getting a bit absurd and he was starting to feel his chest tighten once again at the horrifying thought of them becoming close like they were back then and, and-

And Jared needs to stop letting his mind wander. He was just ruining things for himself- which he seems to already do anyway, no matter the occasion. Man, he is such a joyful guy, isn’t he? Just, such a happy go lucky personality. He let out a quiet sigh to himself, catching the attention of Evan who glanced over at him worriedly. When did Evan start caring about him, because he’d been acting worried for Jared all day and it was… unusual. Did Evan still care for him even after all his bullying? The thought sent his heart into overdrive.

“S-so, uhm, uh,” Evan seemed to be trying to jumpstart his vocal cords, “We haven’t t-talked in a while. Like, with a full c-conversation. O-obviously,” He let out a weak laugh, “Uh, but uh, h-how are you?” How was he? Well, he was exhausted and stressed and trying to ignore the rapid beat of his heart.

“I’m fine,” he said simply. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Evan frown, clearly looking for a better answer than what Jared had given him. They sat in a very uncomfortable silence for what felt like eons, until Jared realized Evan himself wasn’t going to break it. “How’re you?”

“T-tired. But fine, I-i guess,” Evan turned to him and smiled weakly, “T-this whole C-connor thing is, uh, is very d-draining.” Jared hummed understandingly.

“Yeah, I can only imagine. I mean, you are like, ya know, lying to everyone constantly. That sounds. Draining,” He says, lying. He already knew exactly what that felt like, hell, he was feeling it right now, but he wasn’t going to admit to that.

“Yeah. I-it’s, uh. It’s no fun,” Evan stumbled through the sentence with little eloquence and Jared noticed the way he curls into himself like he’s scared Jared will make fun of him. He feels a small pang in his heart.

“Yeah,” Jared replies flatly. They fell into an uncomfortable silence once more, the sound of the tv playing softly in the background. It almost reminded Jared of the old romcoms his mom made him watch with her where the two love interests come back together after some huge fight and there's a lot of tension on screen. The biggest difference is, is that he and Evan were not love interests. If anything, Jared was just the force keeping Evan from his actual love interest, Zoe. They were the actual couple that was destined to be together, not Evan and him because why would they end up together? Jared was just an asshole and Evan deserved way better than what Jared could ever give him. Yeah, sure, it was a thought that soured in his mouth but it was the bitter truth and Jared would need to just accept it. His heart, though, still hadn’t gotten the message though, because it picked up speed at every little thing Evan did. When the doorbell finally rang, Jared felt relief flood him because it finally gave him a reason to get out of this increasingly suffocating room. He rose from the couch and quickly grabbed his wallet from the kitchen table then headed down the small hallway towards Evan’s front door. Jared opened the door to reveal a guy in a Pizza Hut uniform holding one large pizza, a much smaller pizza, and what appeared to be two bags of breadsticks with a tub of some sauce. He smiled awkwardly at the guy, who smiled brightly back.

“Good evening, sir,” The guy -Tobias? That’s what his name tag read- said cheerily, “So, we’ve got one large pepperoni, one small Hawaiian BBQ, two breadsticks, and a garlic sauce, that sound right?” Now, Jared may not have specified what he wanted or gave Evan any limits, but he sure as hell doesn’t remember mentioning a Hawaiian BBQ. Maybe it was for Hedi?

“Uh, yeah,” The guy smiled at him again.

“Rad! That’ll be $32.36!” Jared took out $35 -Thank god he’d convinced his mom to give him $5 yesterday for “lunch money”- and paid the guy, who then handed him the pizzas.

“Have a nice night, sir, and enjoy your pizza!” Tobias walked off down Evan’s driveway and into his car, driving off. Jared closed the front door and went into the living room and set the boxes down on the coffee table. Evan, who’d apparently disappeared, walked into the living room holding paper plates, napkins, and a cup of some drink.

“T-there’s iced tea a-and iced coffee in the f-fridge. And water. O-of course,” Evan said as he sat down on the couch. Jared nodded and silently went to the kitchen and looked for the iced coffee. He might have a small coffee addiction, sue him. Coffee was really fucking good so could you even blame him?

After pouring his coffee and putting an ungodly amount of creamer, Jared made his way into the living room once more and set his drink down on the coffee table. Jared glanced over at Evan, who was flipping through things to watch on Netflix once again and was having a hard time choosing. Jared watched as he pulled out a piece of pizza, but didn’t really see much that was interesting until he spotted a movie.

“Dude. Dude, dude, dude. Let’s watch Rent,” Jared was trying to contain his excitement but his exhaustion was taking over, along with his fondness for Evan, so his asshole facade was falling. Evan glanced over at him with a small, lopsided smile that made Jared’s heart pick up in speed.

“W-what’s Rent about,” he asked, obviously amused. Jared suddenly felt sheepish for some reason and it was making him feel like he was in middle school again. Young, dumb, hopelessly in love with Evan, but always glad to share his passion.

“It’s about, like, these bohemians in 1989, all artists who are trying to pay their rent, hence the name. And like, it shows their struggles with money, friendship, drugs, AIDS, and sexuality,” Jared glances up at Evan at this, but Evan doesn’t seem to be phased, so he goes on, “It’s kinda like… Oh! You know that bit John Mulaney does? The “Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, I’m new in town” one? That’s basically what it is,” Jared feel his smile widen as Evan chuckles at this, “Oh. And it’s a musical.” Evan raises an eyebrow, amused once again. Jared feels a small wave of anxiety wash over him, but he chooses to ignore it.

“W-well that sure sounds….. Interesting,” Evan giggles as he clicks on the movie. Jared’s heart grows like, 3 times in size. “Let’s w-watch it.”

\---

Jared had tried really hard not to cry, seriously. Call him basic, but Rent was one of his favorites and every goddamn time he watched it he cried. Evan was also crying, though, which was making it a bit easier to not be embarrassed. The taller boy had been invested since the first song and seemed to love the whole movie, sitting on the edge of his seat the whole time.

“H-honestly,” Evan was saying, “I wasn’t e-expecting to love that s-so much,” Jared chuckled lightly.

“Yeah, it’s always been a favorite of mine. Good music, interesting plot, attractive actors, the waterworks. 10/10 movie.” Evan nods.

“I c-can now vouch f-for all of those. Especially t-the music one. A-and the actors one,” Evans' face went a little red, “Mimi w-was pretty, d-don’t you think?” Jared suddenly feels awkward, because he was thinking of different characters.

“Uhm, yeah,” He laughed awkwardly.

“A-anyway, uh, w-we should go to b-bed. It’s getting late a-and we have school. A-and I have to go t-to the, uh, the Murphy’s.” Evan suddenly looked anxious once more, his shoulders hunching up.

“Yeah, okay,” Jared hopes Evan doesn’t pick up on his sudden mood drop. He’d forgotten about the whole Murphy’s situation during the movie, he’s just been having such a good time. He slowly got up from the couch and walked upstairs and into Evan’s bedroom where his bad sat. He grabbed a pair of pajamas and went into the restroom across the hall and slowly began to change. Jared stripped himself of his ghastly style he called fashion and put on some flannel pants and a t-shirt. Glancing in the mirror he looked, well. He didn’t really look like he usually did. He looked almost sad with his too-large shirt and too-long pants, his hair was beginning to curl up at the ends because all of his pomade seemed to have worn off, or whatever pomade did. He kinda looked like he did in middle school, small and shy, constantly in everyone’s shadow.

Jared shook his head, trying desperately to lighten up. He was fine, it was just late and he was tired so his mind is running a little wild, that’s all. Everything was seriously fine, or that’s what he kept telling himself as he made his way back to Evan’s room. He quietly knocked on the other boy's door and at a soft “come in” he opened it to- Oh.

_ Oh _

Evan was standing there, presumably changing, and shirtless. Jared was suddenly very much more awake and he felt  _ very _ awkward now. He quickly turned around and closed the door, and then headed to his bag with his head down and ignoring how aware he was of Evan standing near him putting on a shirt. The next time he looked up, Evan was fully clothed and Jared finally felt like he could breathe again, which was nice.

“Uhm, let me go get uh, blankets,” Evan said, apparently oblivious to Jared’s flustered state. Jared nodded and watched as Evan left the bedroom, He was still awkwardly standing in the middle of Evan’s room when the taller boy returned. Evan quietly set up a spot for Jared to sleep, complete with lots of blankets, a pillow, and a comforter to sleep on top of. It isn’t the most comfortable thing ever, but Jared is a lot like a cat in the sense that he can sleep just about anywhere. When he sleeps, that is.

“Thanks,” Jared said shortly. Evan nodded and turned off his light and made his way to his bed. Evan seemed to have fallen asleep as soon as he hit the pillow, snoring softly. Jared, on the other hand, couldn’t seem to rest. His brain was running wild, 100 miles a minute practically.

Most of his thoughts revolve around Evan, which wasn’t particularly new, but they seemed to be more forceful than usual. Generally, Jared can force the fantasies of ending up with Evan towards the back of his mind, but tonight he can’t stop thinking about it. Maybe it was because he was literally in Evan’s bedroom right now, and Evan was sleeping literally right next to him. It was probably that, actually. Him and Evan hadn’t hung out like this in so  _ long _ and it made his heart ache, he wanted to do this more often. Maybe if he wasn’t so fucking scared all the time he could. Maybe if he could just un-fall in love with Evan they could do this again. Maybe.

The next thing on his mind -and probably the more important- was this whole Connor Murphy thing. Jared didn’t know too much, but he was still curious why he was dragging himself into this. He  _ knows _ why. It was because he wanted to spend more time with Evan, but was it really worth it? Evan was literally pretending to know, and impersonate, some kid who committed suicide because of the kids who treated him badly, the kids who couldn't bother to not be an asshole.

People like Jared.

The thought hit him so violently that he had to sit up. It wasn’t an untrue thought, but was it fully true? Jared was an asshole, no denying it, next level douchebag. But could he really cause someone to…?

A small whimper pulled him out of his thoughts. Jared turned to Evan, whose face was all scrunched up. As Jared was turning away, Evan let out another, louder whimper and mumbled something under his breath. Jared, whose mind couldn’t fucking leave him alone, apparently, thought up the  _ worst _ explanation for Evan’s sudden sleep talking. He was going to pretend to sleep, just in case Evan woke up. He didn’t want to be awake when that happened. But, when suddenly, Evan’s breathing was starting to become labored and the whimpering turned into sounds of distress, Jared began to worry. He slowly crawled over towards Evan’s bed and sat on his knees right in front of Evan’s face.

“Evan,” Jared whispered, hand hovering over Evan’s shoulder. Evan seemed to flinch at the sound and curled into himself, his face scrunching up even more. Jared felt a small panic rise up in him as he watched a tear or two escape Evan’s eyes. He realized, almost too late, that Evan was having night terrors, something that Jared was familiar with.

“Evan,” Jared said a little bit louder, a little more persistently. He didn’t want to scare Evan even more, but he seriously needed to wake the other boy. Jared put his hand lightly onto Evan’s shoulder, which had the effect of Evan bolting up, back ramrod straight, and breathing heavily. He was also shaking very badly, and if Jared hadn’t known any better, he’d almost call it a panic attack. Evan’s eyes were darting around the room and he was curled into himself, hugging his knees to his chest. Jared sat there paralyzed, totally unsure of what to do. He couldn’t do  _ nothing _ though, so he slowly got up and moved a little bit closer to Evan.

“Hey, Evan,” He said quietly. The said boy jumped practically a foot into the air and his head whipped around to face Jared. His eyes were wild with fear and Jared felt a sudden need to protect Evan from the world. “Hey, Evan, buddy, do you need anything,” He asked quietly. Evan opened his mouth to speak but closed it again suddenly. Jared didn’t blame him, he wouldn’t want to talk in this situation either. “Okay, uh,” He scavenged his mind of a non-verbal communication.

“Oh! Okay, so, Evan, I’m going to teach you a little bit of sign language, okay? This way, if you feel like you can’t talk, you can communicate with me, okay,” Evan nodded his head slowly. “Alright, so, this is the sign for yes,” Jared made a fist with his hand and nodded it up and down, “Can you copy me,” He asked quietly. Shakily, Evan rose his hand and signed yes. “Very good. Okay, so this is the sign for no,” Jared put his index and middle finger together and closed them with his thumb. “See? It’s almost like making a talking motion with your hand, but with only 3 fingers. Can you do that for me,” Evan signed no to him slowly. Jared smiled at him “Good, good. Now, I'm going to ask you a few questions and you can answer yes or no, okay? Ready”

Evan signed yes. 

“Am I allowed to touch you,” Jared starts of calmly. Evan sits to think for a moment and signs no, there's a guilty look on his face. “Alright, no worries. Would you like some water? Maybe a granola bar?” he spoke calmly despite how he was panicking internally. Evan slowly signed yes. 

“Okay, I'll be right back with some water. If you can, could you please try and go to the restroom and wash your face with cool water?” Evan looks slightly unsure, but he signs yes anyway. Jared smiles and quietly leaves the bedroom and pads down the stairs and into the kitchen. On the way, he passes Heidi, who seems to be sleeping on the couch. It makes him a little sad, seeing her there still in her scrubs, dark eyebags evident on her pale skin, her blonde hair a disaster atop her head. He knew how hard Hedi worked to have enough money for her and Evan to keep living. He shook his head silently and made his way into the kitchen, he didn’t want to leave Evan alone too long. Once he makes it, he glances at the time on the microwave, which reads 1:30 am. He must have seriously been lost in thought for a long ass time. 

Jared quietly gets water and a granola bar for Evan, trying his hardest not to wake Hedi as he rummages around for food. He also puts 3 ice cubes in Evan’s drink because he remembers when they were younger when Evan had a panic attack, Hedi would do the same. On his way back up to Evan’s room, Jared sets a granola bar on the coffee table for Hedi when she wakes up, because Jared knows she probably won’t eat anything if he didn’t. He pads up the stairs and quietly nudges Evan’s door open with his shoulder and is met with Evan himself sitting cross-legged on his bed looking a bit lost and tired.

“Hey, Evan, I brought you a granola bar and here's your water. Do you want them now or no?”

Evan signs yes.

“Alright, then here you go, dude,” Jared hands Evan the glass and food, who takes it with unsteady hands. As Evan slowly sips his water and nibbles on the granola bar, Jared sits on the edge of the bed and waits for the other boy to finish.

“Ev? Are you feeling a little better now,” Jared feels his heart stop for a few beats as he says Evan’s old nickname, but he trucks on, “Do you need anything else?” Evan gulps down more water and smiles at him shakily.

“I-i-i-i”m, uh, I-’m better,” He stuttered. Jared could visibly see the exhaustion on Evan’s face, so he sighed lightly.

“Listen, you should probably sleep. We have to be up in,” He turns to Evan’s fone and light’s up the screen, “like 4 hours.” Evan smiles back at him wearily, but nods his head and crawls to the head of his bed. Jared moves himself to the floor once more and lays there in the quiet. He’s about half asleep when he hears Evan clear his throat quietly.

“J-jared,” He whispers, “Uhm, thank y-you.” Jared feels his heart soar.

“Of course, Evan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, sorry this took so long to get out!! First I was finishing up my junior year of high school (I passed all my classes!) and then my great grandma was hospitalized and, sadly, didn't make it. So, this past month has been jam-packed with stress and I was NOT emotionally prepared for that. But I'm much better mentally and emotionally now, but I really needed to take a break from writing. It's summer now though so Hopefully I can actually write more lmao. (Also I calculated the ACTUAL price of what they ordered from Pizza Hut because why not) (Also also this thing is 16 fucking pages long pls love me and it)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WOW would you look at that??? It's??? Angst??  
> This also jumps around a lot because as much as I LOVE deh, I don't want to write out the whole script, it gets a bit boring if I'm being honest.  
> TW: Panic attacks, lots of fighting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy CRAP is Jared gay.  
> Also, what's that you say? Evan doesn't stutter much in this chapter? Deal w it yall, I'm tired and this was mostly just me venting.

The next time Jared sees Evan, it was more of a disaster than the last, which said a lot. He hadn’t seen Evan at all the day before, he hadn’t even gotten a text to say that the Murphy’s took the bait. In that short amount of time, Jared thought a lot about what they were doing, and he had a lot of doubts. He wasn’t really sure this was a good idea. But, now probably wasn’t the time to be thingking about it because Evan was telling him about what happened and it, apparently, hadn’t gone well.

“So, yeah. A-and then I, um, I,” Evan looked at Jared, like made actual eye contact and bit his lip, anxiety written all over his face. Jared’s heart was going wild.

“And then you…” He prompted. Evan took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, his eyes flit up to Jared’s face again.

“I -tried to, uh, I tried to kiss her,” the words came out fast and mushed together. Jared’s gut went cold but he plastered on another smile anyway.

“You  _ what _ ,” He said incredulously. He shouldn’t be talking right now, he’s gonna mess this up horribly.

“I-i-i didn’t mean to! It just happened,” Evan tried to cover it up. 

“I can’t believe you tried to kiss Zoe Murphy on her brother's bed. After he  _ died _ ,” He wasn’t lying either. He honestly couldn’t believe it, because it was such an un-Evan thing to do. Had Evan actually changed that much since he’d pushed him away, or was it the anxiety getting to him?

“O-oh my god,” Evan says more to himself than anything. Jared feels his heart wrench out of jealousy as the most awkward silence of his life fell over them. This was the most Jared had talked to Evan since probably freshman year, and he was absolutely ruining it by being jealous over someone he’ll never have.

“Hey, asshole, aren’t you going to say anything about this,” He points at the button he’d bought earlier. It hadn’t been the best purchase since Dustin Kropp was absolutely going to use the money to buy weed or whatever, but this was his master plan to talk to Evan more because he was just that desperate.

“I-is that a button with. With Connor’s face on it,” He asks Jared. He sounds a bit astounded. Jared plasters on a large smile and lies through his teeth, but what’s new.

“I’m selling them for a nominal fee at lunch tomorrow.”

“You’re making money off this,” Evan looks at his face again and he looks… Confused? Upset? God, this wasn’t going where Jared wants it to. He trucks through.

“I’m not the only one,” It comes out a bit defensive, “Haven’t you seen the wristbands with Connor’s initials on them that Sabrina Patel started selling during free period? Or the T-shirts Matt Holtzer’s mom made,” Evan looks unfocused, so he stops. It takes a few seconds for Evan to come back to his senses, he obviously hadn’t been paying attention. It makes Jared feel incredibly anxious, but it’s probably what he deserves. Karma is a bitch, as they say.

“W-what am I going to, uh, to do about Zoe,” He’s washed with jealousy again but ignored it.

“Are you kidding? After last night? You can never walk into that house again,” Evan looks alarmed again, so Jared tries to redeem himself. It doesn’t work, as always. “Besides, this whole Connor thing? In another few days, it’ll be played out.”

“Played out?”

“Played out. Done. Absolute zero. It’ll be over,” He tries to think of more synonyms and he had a punch in the face of sadness as he thought that, if he and Evan were actually friends, Evan could laugh at this like it was a joke.

“B-but didn’t you just say that, that uh, that you were selling b-buttons,” Evan asks. Jared is lucky to be able to think on his feet pretty fast. As dorky as it sounds, it was a good thing he went to an improv camp before freshman year.

“Exactly why I’m selling them now. We’re at the peak, in a few weeks, there will be a tsunami or a hurricane to raise money for. Then? Connor will just be another kid who ended up dying that no one knows the name of.” To date, that is one of the worst things he’s ever said. Wow, Jared’s really thinking that maybe running away sounds pretty good right now.

“T-that’s horrible,” Evan exclaims. Jared can’t really think of much to say that would help make him sound any less of an asshole, so he just makes himself seem like more of one. He’s just. So great at this.

“Hey. At least it was fun while it lasted. You got some quality time with your fake family, snuggle with Zoe Murphy…” That last part just kinda slipped out. Jare didn’t  _ want _ to be bitter that Zoe Murphy and Evan got to like, almost kiss, but hearts do that sometimes. They just like to betray you in every way possible whenever they want. Very inconvenient for people like Jared who can’t talk to people about his emotions for fear of vulnerability,

“But that's… T-that's not why I did, why I’m doing it. I-i’m just trying t-to help the, uh, help the Murphy’s. I just want t-to help the Murphy’s,” Jared feels a pang in his heart because, damn, when Evan sounds determined he feels a little bit weak in the knees.

“Regardless, bro,” Jared tried to cover up the fact that his heart is a bit sporadic and the fact that he’s probably blushing a bit, “It’s over. A week from now? Everyone will forget about Connor Murphy.”

\---

It’s been almost two weeks since Jared has last talked to Evan. He’d say he wasn’t expecting that, but then he’d be lying to himself. He was kinda hoping that Evan would talk to him about, at least, more emails. Or like, talk about how Connor has  _ completely _ been forgotten, and how Evan hasn’t done jack shit about it. It was Thursday afternoon, the middle of Jared’s 5th period, when he gets a text, in a group chat for some reason, and Jared gets curious. He opens up his phone as another text rolls in.

**Hansen** :

Hey, Jared, Alana, it’s Evan. I need you two to meet me in the parking lot after school to talk. Thanks.

**_Unknown Number_ ** _ : _

Okie Dokie! See you then :)

**Insanely Cool ;)** :

K see u then

Jared closes his phone as he responds and glances up at his teacher to make sure she didn’t notice. She thankfully hadn’t as she was too busy lecturing him and his fellow classmates about the economy and how it was, for a lack of better words, going to shit. Jared was antsy for the rest of his final periods, practically bolting out of his 6th to get to the parking lot. He was incredibly curious, as well as kinda excited, to hear what Evan had to say. He hated it, but it wasn’t going away, especially as he sees Evan and Alana slowly walk to where he was standing alone. Evan looked over at him a little nervously and wrung his hands together as he stopped walking, Alana taking her place in between them.

“So,” Evan says quietly, “As you guys k-know, uh, Connor hasn’t really b-been talking about like. At all. In a week,” Jared nods while Alana decides to be a bit more verbal.

“Yeah! It’s so horrible! A week ago everyone was talking about it, but it’s like he’s disappeared!”

“Uhm, yeah,” Evan looks alarmed at her sudden passion, “ But uh, anyway. I had an I-idea? I’m calling it The Connor Project.”

“The Connor Project,” Jared replies a little bit skeptical. He’s honestly a bit lost.

“A student lead, uh, group d-dedicated to keeping Connor’s memory alive? Uh, t-to show that everyone should matter, a-and that no one is a-alone,” Evan progressively gets more confident as he explains. It’s actually not a half bad idea, but it hits a little too close to home in Jared’s heart, so he stays silent as Alana speaks.

“Oh! I am  _ so _ honored. I’d love to be the vice president of The Connor Project!” Evan looks at her, obviously overwhelmed by the response.

“V-vice president?”

“You’re absolutely right,” Alana says, determined, “We should be co-presidents!” Jared looks at Evan, a little bit annoyed that Alana seems to be talking over the other boy. Evan just looks relieved as he says;

“Yeah, no. Definitely. That works for me,” Evan glances at Jared, obviously about to say something. He almost,  _ almost _ , gets excited when Alana turns to him like she just remembered he was there.

“You can be treasurer or secretary. Unfortunately, the co-president position has already been filled,”Jared raises an eyebrow as he glances at a weary Evan. Evan just makes eye contact with him and gives a miniscule shrug.

“Well, shit,” Jared says dryly, “That’s fine. Guess I’m gonna have to order new buttons as well, hu?” 

“D-do you really think we should d-do this, Jared,” Evan turns to him. Jared feels his heart soar for a small while because Evan is asking  _ him _ for confirmation in the midst of this crazy scheme. He’s about to say absolutely but…

“Are you kidding, Evan? We have to do this! Not just for Connor either… For everyone,” Alana looks a bit wistful, but Jared elects to ignore it and tries to instead focus on the look Evan is giving him that’s saying something along the lines of  _ sorry, dude, you’ve just gotta bear with it, for now, it’ll all work out in the end _ . Jared almost wants to believe it as he feels Alana’s and even Evan’s excitement rub off on him.

They go to the Murphy’s almost instantly using Jared’s car. He tried to ignore Zoe’s icy stare at Evan as they walk inside of the house and sit the family of three at their kitchen table.

“We’re calling it The Connor Project,” Evan says confidently, “Imagine a giant online presence-”

“With links to educational materials,” Alana interrupts excitedly.

“A massive fundraising drive,” Jared chips in with a small smile on his face. He hopes no one notices the way he’s glancing at Evan every five seconds.

“To help people like Connor,” Evan finishes their spiel. Alana starts it up again because she’s Alana. Jared is starting to think maybe she isn’t that bad.

“And for the kickoff event, an all-school memorial assembly next week! And people, whoever that wants to, can go up and talk about Connor and his legacy!” This idea was very new to Jared, but Evan doesn’t seem to be phased by it. Jared tries not to let that bother him as the Murphy’s share a look. Evan glances at Zoe cautiously, who met his gaze with a blank stare. Jared could feel the tension, but he could also tell that Zoe’s curiosity was piqued.

“For the, uh, assembly? I w-was thinking that, uh, maybe the Jazz Band c-could play,” He looks at Zoe, whose eyebrows are raised.

“Oh. Yeah, I mean, maybe,” she says shortly. 

“ _ Great _ idea, Evan,” Jared couldn’t hold back sometimes. His jealousy was something that, sometimes, was something he couldn’t control. Evan glares at him discreetly.

“Thank you, Jared,” He says Jared's name pointedly. Jared finger guns back with an awkward wink he regrets.

“No sweat.” Cynthia, who had been quiet almost the whole time, finally spoke up.

“Oh, Evan, this is just. This is wonderful,” She looks close to tears and Jared suddenly realizes why they’re doing this. Because sometimes he forgets why on earth Evan keeps this up, and this is why. It’s honestly really touching.

It’s a week later when the whole school is being forced into the gym. Jared was already there because he’d been called out early. Their reasoning was because he was part of The Connor Project, but Jared was pretty sure that Alana had somehow convinced them. Evan was, apparently, supposed to give a speech. He was wearing a button up and a tie and Jared would be lying if he said he hadn’t been staring for a while now. He’d thought no one would notice, but Alana had.

“He looks kinda nervous, hu,” She said to him, drawing him out of his thoughts. Evan looked a bit more than nervous, he looked like he was about to puke on his note cards that he kept reading.

“Uh, I think he looks a bit more than nervous, Alana,” She glanced over at him.

“You also seem a bit nervous, what’s up? Are you talking as well?” Jared silently curses Alana and her sixth sense for picking up on everyone’s emotions.

“Eh, I’m just, ya know, nervous for Evan. ‘S a lot of people he’s gotta talk in front of and stuff,” Alana nods knowingly as Evan is called out to the middle of the gym.

“G-good morning students a-and faculty,” Jared can hear how fucking terrified Evan is and he wants to go out there and hug him, but he can’t. Instead, he watches Evan from the sidelines, leaning on a wall, Alana by his side. “I would, um, I would just l-like to say a few words t-to you today about,” Evan stops for about half a second, but Jared notices, “M-my best friend Connor Murphy,” Man, Jared felt that one in his heart. He knew Evan was lying and it hurt a lot. He didn’t know why.

“I-i’d like to tell you a-about the day that we went to the old, uh, the old Autumn Smile Apple Orchard? Connor and I,” Jared was suddenly intrigued. He’d never heard this story before. Wasn’t Evan working there over the summer? “We stood under an oak tree, and Connor, h-he said, uh, he said he wondered w-what the world looked like f-from all the way up there. I-in the tree. So we decided to uh, find out. We climbed slowly o-one branch at a time. W-we were thirty feet off the ground when, um, when I looked down. Connor smiled a-at me, like he always did, and then um. Uh. I uh,” Evan suddenly stops. It’s the that Jared remembers that this isn't a real story. This didn’t happen. Evan wipes his hands on his shirt.

“I fell. I-i lay t-th-there on the, uhm, on the g-ground. A-and then, uh,” Evan changes the card. Jared forgot he’d been using them. “Good morning-” Jared feels a wave of panic wash over him, so he can only imagine what Evan was feeling right now.

“Um.. uh…. Uhm.., I, uh,” Evan accidentally drops the cards, and he seems to be frozen in horror. Jared hears someone in the crowd giggle as Evan comes to his senses and picks up the cards. Evan is trying desperately to put his cards back in order when he glances at his tie. Jared can see the realization that Evan has from here as the taller boy gets up and looks at the crowd, suddenly determined.

“Have you ever felt like nobody was there? Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere? Have you ever felt like you could disappear? Like you could fall, and no one would hear,” Evan’s voice sounds differently now like he’s absolutely certain. Evan is speaking from the heart, and it’s making Jared feel weak in the knees. He didn’t know Evan could sound so sure of himself like that.

“But see, the thing is? Is when I looked up, uhm, C-connor what there. T-that's the gift he gave to me. H-he showed me I wasn’t alone. He showed me that I matter. That everyone does. He gave that gift to all of us, every single one of us in this room. I just… I wish we could have given that to him,” Jared is absolutely staring at Evan, and his face is probably giving away his every emotion, but he couldn’t care less. As Evan continues on, telling everyone they’ll be found, Jared feels like he isn’t breathing right. He feels so overwhelmed, and he feels like he’s going to actually start crying. What was Evan saying? It hit Jared, full force, and suddenly he couldn’t hide anything. He couldn’t hide his emotions right now, because he was feeling so many.

“Jared? Are you okay,” Alana asks him quietly. Jared just nods, not trusting himself to speak.

That’s where Jared’s happy ending seems to end. They’re writing more emails, or, Jared is at least.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**

**Life at rehab is alright. I like the yoga and the sharing circles every night. But, dude, these stories sometimes scare you half to death. SO many people end up sucking dick for meth.**

Jared laughs mostly to himself. Evan hovering over his shoulder, shaking his head.

**Oh, and one more thing that’s worth mentioning. That guy from out school, Jared Kleinman? Yes, the insanely cool Jared Kleinman! I think we should start and make him a part of this awesome friendship we have, this adorably heartwarming friendship we have! ‘Cause all that it takes is a little**

“Okay, no, Jared, absolutely not,” Evan interrupts, aggravated. Jared closes his laptop and glances at Evan, who moved to sit on Jared’s bed. 

“What? What’s the problem,” Jared asks seriously. Evan gives him a pointed look, which just makes Jared more confused. Evan sighs.

“You weren’t friends with him. T-that’s not part of the story. I-i was his only friend, you know that. You can’t just make things up, you need to redo it,” Jared turns his desk chair to fully face Evan.

“Oh, yeah, you’re totally right,” he says dryly, getting Evan to look up, “I mean, what was I  _ even _ thinking, just making things up in a  _ completely _ fabricated email exchange that never happened?”

“Just. Don’t change the story please, okay,” Evan asks him, sounding exasperated. Jared bites the inside of his lip, thinking of something to say.

“Well,” He starts, “if you want me to redo this email, you’re gonna have to wait until Monday. I have plans all weekend to hang out with my camp friends. Or as I like to call them,” His voice turns bitter, “my  _ real _ friends,” Jared snaps. Evan looks up at him, obviously not amused.

“Yeah, actually? On second thought, I think we’re good on emails. We’re kinda focusing on bigger stuff anyway. The orchard and stuff like that,” Evan gets up and paces around Jared's tiny bedroom. Jared feels his heart sink a little bit at Evan’s sudden uninterested with him.

“Oh. Well, I can do more with the Kickstarter! I mean, I am the treasurer,” He says matter of factly.

“I think Alana and I are pretty much set on that, actually. I’ll let you know if I think of anything, though,” He seems to add the last bit as an afterthought.

“Right. Got it,” Jared searches for something else he could so but comes up short. His heart sinks even lower. “Hey, I bet Zoe is happy that you got your cast off, right,” He is almost begging that Evan keeps the conversation going. He’s so fucking desperate to be wanted right now, and it’s sad.

“I guess,” Evan says shortly, but definitely more interested. Jared feels jealousy wrench at his heart.

“I mean, talk about killing the mood, right? Having to see your brother's name written on your boyfriend's arm all the time,” Jared feels more jealousy wash over him at the word boyfriend. He can’t let himself live, can he?

“She’s not my,” Evan stops, rethinks, “I don’t know what we are.”

“Right. Yeah. Well, I think I should get going soon, my friends are expecting me,” He gets out of his chair suddenly and walks out of his bedroom. Evan follows behind him, confused, but obviously he didn’t care enough to ask. Jared wants to cry at how shitty this feels. They awkwardly walk down the stairs together and out the door. Evan walks in the direction of his house, which was a block away, and Jared went into his car. He sat in the driver's seat and set his head on the steering wheel. God, he’d forgotten this feeling, he didn’t realize how shit this would feel in the long run.

He knew,  _ he fucking knew _ it’d end up like this. He knew Evan would just forget about him with time, but his fucking heart disregarded that vital piece of information, replacing it with hope. Dumb, useless hope that never did anyone any good.

The next time he runs into Evan is at school. Okay so he hadn’t  _ run into him _ , he’d been looking for Evan because, well. For lack of better words, he was really fucking lonely and no one was talking to him and it sucked. He passes Alana as he gets to Evan, who looks absolutely exhausted

“Hey, so my mom is out of town this weekend and the last time she used the liquor cabinet was, like, Rosh Hashanah 1997, so we can drink whatever we want,” Evan looks at him, and the bags under his eyes are getting pretty bad.

“I can’t this weekend. I have 17 thousand dollars to raise. You remember The Connor Project? You’re supposed to be working on this,” Evan suddenly turns on him. Jared furrows his eyebrows.

“Uh, remember? You told me you didn’t need my help,” Jared says defensively. Evan sighs, exasperated.

“I didn’t tell you to do nothing. I know you think this is all a joke or whatever, but it isn’t. This is important.”

“For Connor,” Jared says dryly.

“Yeah,” Evan replies.

You know,” Jared starts. He’s suddenly not feeling so inclined to hang out with Evan, “When you really stop and think about it, Connor being dead? That’s pretty much the best thing to ever happen to you,” He bites the inside of his cheek. He isn’t sure what’s up with Evan, but it’s pissing him off a little bit.

“That’s a horrible thing to say.”

“Well, but, no, think about it,” He says again, slowly getting closer to Evan, “If Connor hadn’t died, no one would even know who you are. People at school actually talk to you now. You’re actually kinda… popular now. Which is. Just. Wonders of wonders, miracles of miracles,” He’s kinda exposing the fact that he’s upset, but he couldn’t care. He’s getting a bit mad.

“I don’t care about that,” Jared knew for a fact that was a lie, “I don’t care that people at our school know who I am. All I wanted was to help the Murphys,” Jared rolls his eyes.

“Help the Murphy’s, yeah, that’s what you keep saying,” He feels his eyes prickle with warmth and starts to panic. This is too much. Then, Zoe walks in and she’s kissing Evan  _ right _ there, right in front of him and Jared is. He is just drowning.

“Look at you,” he hisses, “Helping the Murphys.”

Then things just get so much _fucking_ better for Jared. It’s lunchtime and it’s been a week and he’s just trying to get to his locker when, lo and behold, Evan fucking Hansen is standing there. Alana is storming off and Jared doesn’t want to talk to Evan. He doesn’t. But Evan is like quicksand or some shit, and Jared is his poor, gay victim every fucking time.

“We need more emails,” Evan says to him frantically, “Emails showing that he was getting worse,” Jared scoffs. God, this was just so fucking rich, wasn’t it? “This isn’t funny, Jared.” Jared rolls his eyes. He’s so  _ sick _ of this.

“Oh, I think it’s  _ hilarious _ ,” His voice is dripping with anger, “I think everyone would probably think it’s hilarious,” his hands are clenched and his fingernails are digging into his palm.

“What’s that supposed to mean,” Evan looks like he’s about to snap. Or have a panic attack. Or both.

“It means,” Jared snaps, “You should remember who your friends are,” His heart is pounding. Evan is so close to his face and Jared wants to cry and he needs to leave but he. Cant. It’s so god damn frustrating why can’t he just  _ let go _ .

“I thought you only talked to me for your car insurance,” Evan shot back at him. Jared laughs, trying to hide his hurt.

“So?”

“So maybe the only reason you talk to me, Jared, is because you don’t have any other friends,” Evan’s eyes go dark for a millisecond like maybe he regrets what he said, but then it’s hidden by anger. Jared feels a tear roll down his cheek and he’s shaking so fucking bad.

“I could tell everyone everything,” He says, ignoring the tears that are trying to escape. That is escaping. Ignore ignore ignore. Ignore.

“Go ahead,” Evan laughs, “Do it. Tell them all how you helped write emails pretending to be a kid who killed himself,” And that. That was just the icing on fucking top. Jared’s chest clenches and he can’t fucking breathe and he’s going to have a panic attack. He’s going to have an honest to god panic attack in the school hallways during lunch and it’s all because of Evan Hansen.

“Fuck you Evan, Asshole,” He chokes out, and then, then bolts. Jared runs, past every person in the halls, past his locker, and he keeps running, even when he hears the bell ring. He can’t breathe, feels like he’ll never be able to breathe again, as he finally makes it to his crappy old car. He quickly and very ungracefully unlocks the door and throws himself inside. As he sits down he feels like he’s dying He’s shaking and there are tears rolling down his face. Why the hell did he let himself do this? Why the fuck did he decided to help Evan write emails? Why the fuck was he even friends with Evan Hansen? Why, why, why? Everything is just question after question, tear after tear.

Jared is full on sobbing now. He’s having a hard time breathing through the tears and he’s punching his steering wheel. He’s so fucking  _ angry _ . Not even angry, he’s absolutely livid.

But he’s also so fucking sad. He’s absolutely heartbroken because Evan was  _ right _ . Jared didn’t have any friends because he was just an unloveable, emotionally constipated asshole who pretends to be a dead kid in emails.

And you know what’s even better? The fucking epitome of just absolute fucking depression?

Jared still loves him. Jared is still head over heels for Evan Hansen and would go back to being friends with him in a heartbeat. Because he’s just fallen for Evan so hard in the years he’s known him, that nothing can change it now.

How pathetic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy CRAP is Jared sad.  
> 4 or 5 times of the Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack and about 7 hours later, I cranked out an entire chapter in one night. Please love me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared isn't doing too great right now.  
> TW: Underage drinking, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, mentions of suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, one, I've never had a drop of alcohol so this is bad. Two, This is so fucking angsty and it was so hard to write. Three, I know it's shorter than 5k but uh last chapter was long and I'm tired okay.

Jared had never really liked the word sad. Sad could mean so many different things, it was one of the least descriptive words ever. You could be sad that there are no pizza rolls left, you could be sad that you have no one to talk to, you could be sad because your best and only friend hates you and probably wouldn’t care if you died. Jared, though, could only describe his mood as sad right now, there just wasn’t another description for it. So, Jared  _ was _ sad that there are no pizza rolls left, he was sad that he had no one to talk to, he was  _ absolutely _ sad that his best and only friend hates him and probably wouldn’t care if he died.

It’s been almost a month since Jared had talked to Evan, and almost two weeks since The Connor Project blog had been updated. Jared didn’t really know what had happened, especially since Alana was usually someone who was constantly on top of updating things like blogs, but he didn’t care enough to ask. Especially since it was 1 am on a Monday and Jared was getting absolutely shit faced for no reason other than to feel something other than sad. His mom hadn’t really been home much since this whole Connor Project thing started, so he was sure she wouldn’t notice the missing liquor or even notice that something was amiss. She’d just come home like she always did, ask Jared how he’s doing, and then she’d go into her office and work some more. Then, within the same week, she’d be out on a trip again. It was the same cycle and Jared was so tired of it. He hasn’t had a genuine conversation with his mom in probably a year and he’d honestly kinda missing her. He just wants a hug or a time to talk to her, have dinner with her. 

Jared takes another swig of the alcohol. It burns his throat a bit, but he welcomes the pain with open arms as he feels the liquid run down his throat. He’s well past tipsy at this point and he’s starting to seriously feel the effects, his chest feels airy and he’s incredibly dizzy. He doesn’t really think moving is a great idea because he’ll be incredibly off balance, but he needs his phone so that he can text someone. Anyone really, just to help him get Evan and his stupid, hurtful words but gorgeous smile out of his mind. He gets up slowly from the couch and moves into the kitchen where his phone sits, right next to the alcohol cabinet. He grabs his phone and, because he doesn’t trust himself to stand much longer, sits on the floor of his kitchen. He texts the very first person in his contacts because he knows it won’t be Evan or his mom.

**Insanely Cool ;)** :

-Heeeeery slana

**Alana** :

-Jared??

-What on earth are you doing awake at 1:30am??

**Insanely Cool ;)** :

-Qhat r uou doinf awake at 1am

**Alana** :

-Okay, but why are you texting me at 1am

-Like,, are you okay? You keep making typos and stuff

**Insanely Cool ;)** :

-Idk in sad

-And deunk

**Alana** :

-Okay I’m sorry but

-Why the fuck are you getting drunk on a monday night

-Actually, you can answer that when I get over there

**Insanely Cool ;)** :

-Waiy

-Why are yuo conning ober

-Alna u dint kno where i live?

**Alana** :

-That’s

-A fair point. Okay. I’m still calling you. 

-And I swear to god if you don’t pick up I will find out where you live and drive there.

Jared stares down at his phone as it begins to buzz in his hand, Alana’s name plastered across the screen. His brain was clouded and he wasn’t sure he was mentally prepared to listen to Alana fuss over him but he couldn’t act like he was sober either. This was technically what he asked for, though, a distraction. He picked up the phone and put it to his ear. Alana was silent on the other end, but he could hear fans whistling in the background and some sort of music playing. They stayed silent for what felt like ages to Jared’s clouded brain, and it took even longer for him to realize that Alana expected him to talk first.

“Uhm,” He started, and his voice sounded weird to him, “So. How’re you this lovely evening,” his words were slurred together and he heard Alana sigh from the other end of the line.

“Jared,” She sounds exhausted, not something Jared expected from her, “What the hell are you doing? Like, what on earth possessed you to get drunk on a Monday night? We have school in the morning,” Jared bites his lip and leans his head against the counter behind him.

“Like I said, ‘m sad. ‘Nd I don wanna feel sad,” He said matter of factly. Alana made a confused sound.

“Well, why are you sad? Aren’t you supposed to be like, I don’t know, hanging with Evan having the time of your life or whatever? I thought you two were like, close friends,” Jared feels his heart clench. He takes another swig of alcohol. He just wants this fucking heartache to go  _ away _ . He hears himself bitterly laugh.

“I don think Evan really saw it that way,” He says. His throat is clogging up but he just pretends it isn’t. He pretends about a lot of things though, doesn't he? 

“What do you mean?”

“Well Imean,” His mouth starts moving before he can even think, “ Evan just, ya’know, kinda hates my guts right now ‘nd like it really sucks ‘cause he’s all popular ‘n stuff now. ‘Nd I really kinda miss ‘im,” Jared’s filter is completely gone at this point and he’s slurring really bad, so he isn’t sure how Alana is understanding him, but he somehow forces himself to stop talking. It’s a good thing as well because if he’d let himself talk any longer… who knew what he’d end up saying. Alana is silent for a moment, probably trying to decipher whatever the hell just came out Jared’s mouth.

“Evan freaked out on you too?” Alana quietly asks. She sounds… sad? Scared? Jared is having a hard time trying to decide which it is, but he knows it’s bad.

“Whaddya mean,” He slurs. Alana takes a deep breath.

“Well, like, before he gave me the suicide note,” Evan had shown her the note?, “He’d asked me why I cared so much about Connor and stuff. And I told him because it was important, which it is, and then he accused me of just wanting another thing to put on my college apps,” Alana laughed sadly.

“Holy shit that's such a ‘orrible thing to say,” Jared remarks. “‘M sorry he said that to you.”

“What did he say to you,” She asks, “If you want to share, that is,” she adds quickly. Now, Jared doesn’t know Alana all that well, this is probably the longest conversation he’s ever had with her. But. Jared is also very drunk right now and is honestly in need of some sort of friend. That and his judgment is very clouded.

“Said I only talk to ‘im ‘cause I have no other friends,” his heart clenches. God, he’s so fucking pathetic at times.

“Is it true?”

“Maybe. Kinda. Yeah.”

They sat in a silence for a while, just taking in everything. Jared isn’t entirely sure what’s happening right now, he isn’t exactly in the kind of condition to be processing shit like this.

“Why?”

“I dunno. Guess I’m just an asshole who apologizes too much or something.”

\---

When Jared wakes up in the morning he’d felt like shit. He’d had the worst migraine ever and was immensely nauseous, and he felt like the room was constantly spinning. He’d probably taken as much Tylenol as he humanly could without getting sick, but even now at 12 pm, he wasn’t feeling much better. It was lunchtime and he was, sadly, back at school. He’d skipped his first 3 periods just to mentally prepare himself, but it obviously hadn’t helped much. Plus, he didn’t really remember much from the night before and his text history was scaring him, along with his call history. He doesn’t have a remote idea of what he told Alana, but she’s acting like normal, only really talking to him when necessary. And then to top it all off he had a Spanish test 4th period that he wasn’t even remotely prepared for. Not to mention They'd changed seats recently so Evan was  _ right _ in front of him which was just. Amazing. Like, honestly, what kind of luck.

So, in short, his day was going really really shitty. But what else could he expect after the whole Connor project ordeal? Evan hadn’t been wrong during their fight, Jared had pretended to be a dead kid in some dumb emails for 20 bucks. At least, that’s what Evan believes, and Jared had to keep it that way. No way in hell is he letting slip the real reason.

And now he’s just eating lunch alone, feeling like shit in a bathroom. Because his lined up just perfectly so that, on a Tuesday afternoon, he could eat on top of a toilet with his feet up in a gross school bathroom. Life is just that kind to him. Like, seriously, what kind of sad loser eats in a school bathroom. Jared thought that would only happen in dumb, cliche movies. But no, it’s actually happened. And it’s not like he had to eat in the restroom, he could very easily sit in the lunch room, but it was loud in there. And he risked seeing Evan out there, and he didn’t need that. Evan had been trying to catch his attention all day for some godforsaken reason, but Jared wasn’t ready to hear what he had to say. Probably never would be. He knew that Evan would probably try and apologize, but he’d end it. He’d sit there and tell Jared how much of an asshole he was, and would explain that they could never speak again. He would make it more real, and make sure Jared knew it was his fault. And Jared wasn’t ready for that. Jared didn’t want it to seem real, because it already hurt so goddamn much. God, it hurt. He hated how much it hurt, and how upset he was, and how much this affected him. He isn’t sure if he could handle anymore.

Not to mention that Spanish started in three minutes, and he really needed to go and take that test he didn’t study for. He slowly started to move and unfold himself, stretching out and opened the stall door. He threw his unfinished lunch in the bathroom trash and it sunk down and was engulfed in paper towels. Before leaving, Jared glances in the mirror, which is completely pointless, because he knows. He knows he looks like trash. He hasn’t brushed his hair out in probably weeks, so it’s all kinds of tangled and is curling up every which way. His sweater is way too big on him and hid every feature of his body. His glasses were gross and dirty, and his face looked incredibly oily, and he seemed to be breaking out in a few places, not to mention his eye bags look drawn on with charcoal. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, then forces himself to leave the bathroom and walk as fast as his exhausted body can to Spanish. He gets to class with only seconds to spare and sits in his seat as soon as the bell rings. His Spanish teacher gives him a dirty look but elects to ignore him and starts class. Jared isn’t particularly paying attention, he knows what's coming anyway, and only moves when he sees everyone getting paper out. His movements feel slow and exhausting, and he isn’t sure if he’s gonna survive this test. Or this day. Or anything.

Especially with how fucking distracting Evan is. He keeps glancing back at Jared and his stupid fucking hazel eyes are so sad and tired and it's so  _ frustrating _ because as selfish as it sounds, Jared hates Evan for it. He hates that Evan looks so upset because He’s the one that hurt Jared and it’s making Jared feel  _ things _ . It’s just so. It’s so much. It’s almost too much. The test has only started and Jared is considering giving up. His brain can’t comprehend Spanish right now and it’s just giving him a worse headache. His eyes are heavy and his heart is in pain and he just wants to sleep forever. A coma would be amazing. Honestly, anything would be better than this damn test.

An agonizing hour passes, but Jared eventually turns in his test half finished and quickly packs his stuff once the bell rings. He bolts out the door before Evan can turn around to talk to him, and goes to the nurse's office. School be damned, Jared is going home. He is pushing past people at lightning speed and practically throws himself into the tiny room.

“Hello, how may I help you,” The nurse says, breaking the silence. The room is cold and Jared shivers.

“Uhm, I’m really not feeling well, can I please have a pass? I drove myself to school and my mom is on a trip,” Jared explains.

“I’m really not supposed to..” The nurse begins but stops after giving him a once over. She quietly pulls out a yellow slip of paper. “Name?”

“Jared Kleinman.” She quickly fills out the slip and hands it to him.

“Give this to the security guard at the gate, then you’re free to go.” Jared smiles weakly at her and leaves the office. He books it to his small car, and gets into the front seat and turns on the car. His hands are shaking so bad and his head is absolutely pounding still, but as he makes it out the school gates and gets onto the street, he feels a bit calmer. Until, of course, when he gets home and sees another car in the driveway of his house and someone sitting on his front porch. He doesn’t know why his Mom is here, she should still be on her trip. He feels anxiety knot up in his stomach as he parks his car and his mom gets up from the porch and goes inside. He takes a deep breath and opens his car door and slowly goes up to his house. He feels like throwing up as he opens the front door and goes into the kitchen, where his mom is sat.

“Shouldn’t you be in fifth period,” She says calmly to him. Jared gulps down his anxiety.

“I felt sick, so I got a pass and came home early,” His voice is shaking, fuck. He doesn’t understand what’s happening right now and it’s overwhelming him.

“Jared, I’ve been getting call after call about you missing school and ditching class for a month! I don’t understand what’s happening,” His mom turns on him.

“Well maybe you’d know if you weren’t gone all the time,” Jared mumbles, and his mom’s head snaps up.

“Excuse me?”

“I said, maybe you’d know if you weren’t gone all the time, Mom,” He says, looking at his shoes. God, he’s so upset. He needs someone,  _ anyone _ . 

“Well gee, I’m sorry I’m trying to get us money, Jared,” His mom shoots.

“Okay, but have you considered the fact that maybe your 18-year-old son shouldn’t be living by himself constantly? Have you considered that, maybe, I’m really fucking depressed and I kinda need someone to comfort me? Have you ever considered me? Like at all,” Jared’s eyes are burning so much. He feels like he’s going to puke. Or have a panic attack. Or both.

“What do you mean? You’re my son, of course, I consider you! I pay for you to live,” His mom yells.

“Yeah? You consider me? Because it feels like you’re ignoring me constantly! You’re never home, mom! You don’t have any idea what I’m going through,” He shoots back. His mom scoffs.

“I don’t know what  _ you’re  _ going through? Jared, I am trying to provide for the both of us without your father,” Her eyes go dark, “You’re too young to possibly understand the kind of heartbreak I’ve gone through, Jared.” Jared laughs a cruel, dead, bitter laugh. “What’s so funny?”

“Just. Mom, you don’t know what kind of heartbreak  _ I’m _ going through! I fucking lost my best friend,” His mom’s face drops, “Which leaves me a total of zero friends right now! I’ve been lying to everyone for months about some kid who killed himself and Evan dragged me into it, but now hates me for it! I don’t understand? Mom, I don’t think you understand what it’s like to have your best friend fucking hate you, but your hopeless gay ass is still in love with him!” His breath catches. Shit.

“What?”

Oh, fuck.

“Jared, are you…?” Jared's is starting to become labored and he feels dizzy. Shit shit shit. 

“I-I. Listen, Mom, I just. I,” he looks his mom dead in the eyes, “I gotta go.”

He runs as fast as his legs will carry him. He doesn’t know where he’s going, but it’s anywhere from his house. He hears his mom calling for it, but he completely disregards it as he turns the corner on his block. Everything is blurring past, house after house, tree after tree, car after car, lawn after lawn. His chest and legs are burning but he still keeps on running. He only stops after collapsing on the sidewalk. He doesn’t know where he is and his chest is on fire and he’s sobbing. Jared can’t fucking breathe and his body is rejecting air it feels like. He thinks he’s fucking dying. He can’t feel anything except for terror and panic, and his throat is clogged with his sobs. He’s rocking back and forth on the hot cement but he couldn’t care less. He’s known this was coming, but he didn’t think he’s break while on a sidewalk in front of some random person’s house in the middle of the day. Honestly, though, after the past month? Jared is ready to die. He is honest to god ready to be released from this world. No one would care anyway.

The thought sent a sob through his body. No one would care. There would be no Jared Project if he died, Alana and Evan wouldn’t be writing letters about him, No one would be selling buttons with photos of his face on them, his mom wouldn’t be so upset she’d be ready to believe anything, and he doesn't have a dad or sister to care about him. If Jared Kleinman died right now, literally no one would notice. He’s just the loser, closeted gay kid who’s a disappointment to his mom and any friends he used to have.

Jared’s crying has subsided after maybe an hour of crying on the cement. He feels numb. School is over by now, he doesn’t have a car to drive him places, and doesn’t have a friend to pick him up. The person’s house he just spent ages having a breakdown in front of is either empty or thinks he’s insane and is staying inside. Either way, Jared can’t move. His body is completely numb and he can’t bring himself to get up. His phone is at 11% and he doesn’t have a charger. He needs to call someone, but he doesn’t know who. His mom will yell at him for bolting, none of the kids from camp would bother to pick up, and neither would Evan. Jared seems to find himself clicking on Alana’s contact, this time calling her. She picks up after three rings.

“Hey, Jared, what’s up,” She asks him.

“Are you home,” He cuts straight to the point. His voice is scratchy and nasally from crying so goddamn much.

“I, uh, yeah? Jared is something-”

“Look, can you please just pick me up,” He glances at the street signs next to him “I’m at the Washington street and Madison road intersection. I’ll explain when you get here but just,” He sighs, exhausted.

“Yeah, sure, let me just finish this math problem,” Alana says. He knows he’s being really inconvenient, but Jared’s just so tired.

“Thanks, Alana.” She hangs up. Jared takes a deep breath in, but he still feels nothing. His chest still hurts and he’s absolutely drained, he almost feels like he can’t walk. A coma is sounding like a good idea again, maybe then he’d feel something.

Although, this is what he wanted just monday evening, right? He wanted to feel something other than sad, and here he was. All it took was accidentally coming out to his mom, running for probably twenty minutes, and having a panic attack in front of some strangers house. Man, his life was fucking depressing. Maybe Evan was right in leaving him, he was too much for himself to handle, why would Evan want to handle him? Hell, why would anyone want to handle him? He doesn’t even know why Alana is on her way right now, he doesn’t deserve her or her kindness. He doesn’t really deserve anything other than death, he’ll just disappoint everyone even more if he keeps on living. What a pleasant epiphany.

Jared tries to get himself standing, slowly moving his legs and arms. It takes a few minutes, his body is very resistant, but he eventually is standing on his own two feet without the support of a nearby tree. His vision swims and his head is pounding and it’s taking a lot of effort, but it’s better than sitting on the ground. Jared watches cars pass by him as he waits for Alana, he really wonders how far she is. She doesn’t keep him waiting long, though, because a car pulls over to the curb and the drivers door opens. Alana nearly jumps out of the car and rushes over to him.

“Jared? Holy crap, you look like trash. What on earth happened?” Jared looks at her, and his body is swaying. The whole world is swaying and Alana is looking at him so concerned.

“Alana, I fucked up. I fucked up real bad.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "So, Tobias, why the fuck did this take so long" See, usually, I write a whole chapter in one night. Like legit, no joke, almost every single one of these chapters was me hyper-focusing for about 5-7 hours. I really haven't been able to do that though? And I've been really hating my writing recently lol. But, at least I've gotten this far. Even though I've re-written it at least 5 times.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of panic attacks, mentions of suicide, thoughts of suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe that this started as a Jared study? It has now evolved into a whole ass 26k word fic and we ain't even to the good shit yet.
> 
> Also: LET! BOYS! HAVE! EMOTION!!!!!!

Alana is looking at him incredibly confused, but he doesn’t really blame her.

“I’m sorry, can you run that by me again,” she asks. Jared laughs- he sounds exhausted- and runs a hand through his hair. He smiles weakly at her and regailes her with the tale of his senior year thus far.

“Well, Uh. Evan didn’t really know Connor. The suicide note was something Evan wrote to himself because of his therapist. I don’t really know why Connor wrote his name on Evan’s cast, but it just made things worse,” He laughs weakly, “Then he was called into the office and like. Connor’s parents thought that he and Connor were best friends and Evan, well, messed up. He couldn’t really tell them no because of his anxiety, so he had to like. Keep up the story, and he ended up telling them they wrote secret emails. That’s how I got roped in. Evan somehow convinced me to write emails for him and backdate them.”

“Jared that’s..” Alana interrupts. Jared sighs.

“Horrible? I know. I knew from the start that morally I was doing something really wrong. But I still let Evan rope me into it.”

“Well, why didn’t you just say no,” Alana asks genuinely. Jared laughs bitterly and shakes his head.

“Doesn’t matter. Anyway, Things just went south from there. We wrote emails, then you got involved, and the Connor Project started. After that Evan and I continued to write emails, but after the assembly that just kinda stopped. He started ignoring me, especially after he and Zoe started dating, and he basically told me that I had no purpose in the project” Jared tried to mask the pain he felt still, but it wasn’t working, “and then one day I asked him to hang out with me. Because I was tired of him ignoring me and using me for the emails. And he got upset with me because I wasn’t helping even though he told me,” Jared took a deep breath. He wasn’t going to cry. “And then when he tried to talk to me again he miraculously needed more emails and he. Accused me of not having any other friends and stuff. So we aren’t really friends anymore,” Jared finishes off. Alana is silent for a long while- too long, in Jared’s opinion. He started fidgeting with the carpet of her bedroom floor when Alana sighed.

“That’s. Wow,” She said. Jared nodded his head. “I had no idea what Evan would. Could. I just had no idea,” She stammers. 

“Yeah, it’s been a pretty shitty couple of months. And this month has just been Shitty squared because I have a grand total of zero friends now, and then today happened so like, that’s really fun.” Jared runs a hand through his hair, he felt like crying again.

“Jared, do you remember anything from Monday night,” Alana asks. Jared isn’t really sure why she’s asking, but to be fair, he did call her. Had he maybe said something to her, it would explain why she even consider helping him today?

“Uh… no?” Alana sighs and a tired smile shows on her face. Jared hadn’t ever expected to see Alana, bubbly and up in everyone’s face Alana, with a tired smile. Goes to show how much Jared pays attention.

“You were really drunk and you’d texted me saying you were sad. I was super confused if I’m being honest, but also worried, so I called you. You were slurring so much I had such a hard time understanding you,” She laughs, but there isn’t much humor in it, “You opened up to me and told me you were sad because Evan wasn’t talking to you. You told me you had zero friends, and how much you missed Evan,” Jared felt anxiety build up. Had he seriously told Alana all that? “Don’t worry though, it was actually quite sweet,” She reassures him, “It was the most sincere I’ve ever heard you. Then, well,” Alana glanced up at him nervously, “The things you said really struck a chord in me. I, uh, I really understood how you felt.”

“Wait, really,” Jared interrupts, “I had always thought you had a bunch of friends.” Alana looked surprised but shook her head.

“No? Jared, I don’t have many like. Actual friends. Plus, Evan actually blew up on me as well. So I just really knew how you felt in that moment. And I offered to be your friend and you’d even said yes which really surprised me,” Alana sighs and looks him in the eyes, “When you didn’t talk to me today, it kinda messed me up. I thought you were truly going to talk to me and stuff. But then I couldn’t find you like, anywhere and I thought you were  _ avoiding _ me and that wasn’t any fun, ha,” Alana messes with her hair a little bit, and Jared notices that her hands are shaking. He impulsively grabs her hands and hopes she didn’t get the wrong idea.

“Alana, dude. I am a huge dick. A gigantuous mega dickwad supreme. Grade A asshole. But, I won’t ignore someone after they’ve offered to become friends with me. I really don’t like ignoring people unless I seriously don’t like them. I,” Jared stops for a second. He isn’t going to cry. He isn’t going to say it. The cursed word. “I really hope I don’t make you feel that way again, Alana.” The corner of Alana’s mouth quirks up and she lunges towards him and hugs him tight. Jared isn’t really sure how to react, it was very sudden, and not many people hug him. He awkwardly hugs back anyway, and almost feels sad when Alana lets go.

“So, that heart to heart was nice and all, but I’m in the mood for some food. You want some brownies,” Alana asks him. Jared feels himself smile a bit, and it feels almost genuine. Almost.

“Yeah, totally.” Alana smiles back at him and grabs his arm, dragging him down the hall and into her joint living room and kitchen. There’s a boy that was probably 15 sitting on the couch watching pokemon and an older woman sitting at a small bar sipping tea wearing a pantsuit. Alana leaves Jared in her kitchen as she wanders off into a side room to presumably find some brownies. Jared just awkwardly stands in between the oven and the bar as the older woman, who he thinks is Alana’s mom, gives him a once over. Her eyebrows seem to cock up as she reaches his face again, and she takes another sip of tea. Jared hears a small ‘aha’ from inside the room Alana had gone in, and was very relieved when she appeared with a tupperware of brownies.

“Here ya go Jared! I just made them this weekend as well, so they should still be somewhat soft,” Jared reaches and grabs a brownie and sinks his teeth into it.

“Oh my god, Alana. Holy sh-” Alana gives him a look and then glances at her mom, “Heck. These are so good.” 

“Thanks! My Mama taught me how to bake at a pretty young age, so she’s the one who taught me everything I know,” Alana smiles at her mom, who smiles back. “Actually, speaking of my Mama,” she scurries over tothe bar and puts an arm around her mom’s shoulders, “Jared, meet Mama Beck, the woman who raised my brother and I.” Jared waves awkwardly and the older woman smiles and rolls her eyes.

“Alana when you call me “Mama Beck” it makes me sound old,” She turns to face Jared, “Just call me Karma, please. It’s very nice to meet you,” Jared nods and tries not to look as awkward as he feels. He’s failing.

“Nice to meet you too, Karma.” She smiles at him as Alana walks over towards him and grabs the brownie box from his hands. Jared makes a sound of protest, but alana just sticks her tounge out at him and turns to her mom.

“Alright, well Jared and I are going to go hang out in my room, and do some homework. What time do you think dinner will be ready,” Alana asks her Mom. Her mom gives her a guilty look and stands up.

“Actually, I’ve gotta go. Carrie called in sick and I told her I’d take her shift. Sorry Kiddo,” Karma puts her mug into the sink carefully, “Dad will be home around 6:30, though. So if you want you can make a dinner,” She smiles at alana, “Or just order a pizza. Whichever works.” Alana nods, a small smile on her face. It looks almost fake.

“Oh, alright. I’ll probably make something a little bit later, I do have a bit of homework.” Mrs. Beck smiles and kisses the top of Alana’s head.

“Thank you, dear,” Then Her smile turns a little mischievous, “Also, Alana? Make sure to keep the door open while your friend is here,” Jared internally groans. He hates when parents insist on keeping doors open when a guy and a girl are hanging out. Beside’s, he’s sure that never stopped anyone. He watches as Alana slumps a little bit and rolls her eyes.

“Okay, Mama.” Suddenly, Alana is dragging Jared across the house and out of her Mom’s line of sight. “God, I’m sorry. That was so awkward.” Jared laughs lightly.

“Honestly, Awkward is my middle name. I’m used to it,” Alana gives him an amused smile. They turn the corner and into Alana’s room. Jared goes in and sits down on her floor while Alana hesitates at the door. She’s eyeing the door, but ends up sighing and plopping onto her bed.

“Sorry we can’t close the door. It’s a super dumb rule my mom made up in middle school because I had tried sharing a bed with my best friend at the time. Her and Dad completely freaked, even after I explained it was just because he was scared of the dark,” Alana rolls over and faces him, “It’s not like it’s even going to do anything. Like, If I  _ truly _ wanted to, I could find a way around the rule.” Alana huffs. “Do you have a similar rule in your house?”

“I mean, not really,” Jared says sincerely, “The only person I’ve ever actually hung out with at home was Evan,” He hears himself stutter over the name, but continues on, “So my Mom never really said much. When I was in Middle school my Dad always asked me when I was bringing a girl home and not Evan. Except, he called Evan names,” Jared feels bile rise up in his throat. Alana’s face soured.

“That’s so cruel, god. Your dad sounds like a dick.”

“Yeah, he was,” Jared says sincerely.

“Have you ever thought of bringing a girl home? Like, to prove something to your parents,” Alana asks. Jared can’t help but laugh, and it feels kinda nice.

“God, no. I have tried to bring boys home, though.” Alana’s eyes widen. “It really isn’t some huge secret. The only people I hide my queerness from is my Mom and Evan. Otherwise, I shamelessly flirt with boys. It’s just that no one seems to notice.” Jared says calmly, because it’s true. He can see Alana’s brain working, trying to find the evidence. 

“So, your Mom and Evan don’t know? I would have thought that they would be the only people  _ to  _ know” Alana says. Jared ignores that his gut is turning cold, because his mom  _ does _ know. Now.

“Well, uh, Mom knows now but. I didn’t want her to? I just,” Jared bites his lips, “The reason I called you and the reason I looked like shit… yeah.” His words hang in the air, and the silence is so uncomfortable.

“So, she didn’t take it well.” Alana says quietly.

“Well, I’m not sure. I ran from the house after it slipped out. And then I turned off my phone after I called you.” He starts fidgeting with the carpet once again.  Alana doesn’t speak for a while, obviously thinking. He’s honestly a little bit scared of what she’s going to say, because he can take a guess. He’s sure of what she’s gonna tell him before she even opens her mouth.

“You should talk to her, Jared,” It isn’t a question. He knows that he really should talk to him mom, but he’s scared out of his mind, Absolutely terrified. Fucking petrified. Because he isn’t sure what his mom’s going to say, if she’ll be even more disappointed than she already is in him. Jared just isn’t sure if he can handle talking to his mom right now. Or ever. “Jared you can’t just ignore her forever. She’s your mom.” He bites his lips and fiddles with his sweatshirt.

“But Alana what if-”

“Jared, what if it’s fine and she accepts you,” Alana looks at him earnestly. Jared stays silent and avoids Alana’s eyes. He doesn’t want to admit he’s scared. He isn’t weak. “Jared…” Alana moves herself off her bed and sits next to Jared, putting her arm around him. Jared practically melts into her arms because, fuck, he hasn’t had a hug in so long. He’s so fucking touch starved he’s letting a girl he barely knows hug him, and he likes it. But now his eyes are prickling with heat and his lip is starting to quiver and Alana shows no signs of letting him go. He tries to push away, but she only hugs him tighter. “You’re allowed to be scared, Jared,” She says to him, and then lets go, holding him at arm's length. “You don’t have to talk to her today if you’re not ready, but you will have to talk to her at some point. I think I can convince my dad to let you stay in the spare room, if you’d like,” Alana says softly. Jared only nods, because he doesn’t trust himself to speak. God, he doesn’t deserve Alana.

He’s going to fuck this up.

\---

“Alana I swear to god, if you buy the boardwalk I  _ am _ leaving this house.”

“Wouldn’t it be a shame if I did. I mean, it’s not like you’ve been trying to buy it for five turns.”

“Alana, please, I’m begging you.”

“Oh? What’s this? I have enough money!”

“Alana-”

“Oh, looks like I’m the banker as well!”

“Alana I fucking  _ swear _ -”

“Whoops! The money is already in the bank,” Alana laughs as she grabs the boardwalk card. Jared sits in a betrayed silence as he just stares at her.

“Alana, I’m officially revoking our friendship. I can’t  _ believe _ you just fucking bought the Boardwalk,” Alana gives him a smug look, “You’re so lucky that I am a weakling, otherwise I’d fight you right now.” Alana laughs and it makes Jared feel nice. It’s been a long time since he’d made someone genuinely laugh like that.

“Jared, you and I both know I’d win if you tried to fight me. Take your turn, dude,” Jared rolls his eyes and picks up the dice and rolls them. He has to move up five spaces, which places him-

“Fuck,” He says under his breath, he’s going to land on the go to jail space. He hears Alana giggle as he just moves his piece -the dog- to the jail house. “It’s official, Alana, you’re cheating.”

“I’m not cheating, you’re just bad at Monopoly,” Jared gasps, obviously over dramatic. Alana almost doubles over laughing at his dumb antics when there is a small knock in Alana’s doorway. Both teens turn towards the sound where Alana’s dad stands, he looks positively exhausted.

“I’m heading off to bed, you two should be as well. Matt should already be asleep as well, so don’t be too loud,” He then looks at Jared, “And please make sure you sleep in the spare room. It’s nothing personal, just policy.” And with that, he gives Alana and Jared one last look before heading to bed. The two sit in silence for a few minutes before Alana gets off the floor and straightens out her skirt.

“Let me go sneak into my brothers room and get you some pyjamas and some clothes for tomorrow,” She says. Jared begins to protest but Alana shakes her head, “Jared, it’s fine. My brother has so many clothes because our big brother hands them down.”

“You have an older brother,” Jared asks. Alana smiles wistfully.

“Yeah, he’s moved out and stuff, obviously. He’s 25 years old,” Alana turns towards the door and starts to walk out.

“Hey Alana,” She stops at the door, “Thanks like, so much. It means a lot you’re doing this for me,” 

“No problem, Jared. It’s the least I can do for a friend.”

The next morning, it takes Jared a few minutes to remember where he is, especially because the bedroom he’s in looked way different in the dark. Or maybe that had been his imagination. He’d had a dreamless sleep, and didn’t wake up once, but still felt incredibly tired. But this was more of a “I just want to lay in bed all day and never talk to anyone again” kind of tired, which is way worse in Jared’s book. He isn’t quite sure why he feels this way, though. Maybe it’s because of Evan, maybe it’s because of his mom, maybe it’s because he stayed up late talking to Alana. Hell, it could be all three with Jared’s luck. He slowly makes his way out of the covers and into the chilly air that surrounds him. Blindly, he grabs for his glasses and is met with air, remembering that there is no bedside table. His glasses are on top of the small dresser, which is across the room, right next to the clothes he’s supposed to wear. Jared slowly gets up from bed and makes his way to the desk, stumbling over a char, which he thought was way further over. He successfully grabs his glasses and puts them on his face without another injury and looks at himself in the small mirror in front of him.

He looks like a mess. His hair has finally reached peak waviness, bordering on curly now. He’s got smudges under his eyes that are dark enough to be just makeup, and his eyes themselves look completely blank. He has slowly fading freckles on his face, along with some acne because that’s his luck. There’s also his dumb glasses that are super thick and just make him look more nerdy. He looks away from the mirror.

The shirt Alana had picked for him was a flannel, and she even grabbed him a fresh sweater. She also grabbed him a pair of dark wash jeans, and it really isn’t something Jared would ever wear on his own, but it honestly looks way better on him than any of his own clothes. It’s weird wearing jeans again since he always wears shorts, and he can’t remember the last time he’d worn a jacket without a hood, but it’s quite comfy. It makes him look like a mega geek, but it kinda reminds him of what Peter Parker wears in Spiderman: Homecoming and as sad as it is, it gives him a little bit more confidence. He’s about to turn on his phone to check the time, but decides against it.

He isn’t ready.

He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be ready.

Jared lets out a long, tired sigh and opens the door to Alana’s spare bedroom. He walks into the kitchen, where Alana seems to be making some sort of smoothie and her little brother is eating Coco puffs at the table and is very intensely reading the cereal box. He also notices something seems different from last night, but he can’t exactly pinpoint it, which is a little bit strange. Jared tried not to disturb the quiet, but he’s clumsy and his head feels like it’s full of cotton -and he runs into the fucking couch. Alana glances up, smiles at him, and turns back to her smoothie while her brother squints at him, obviously confused.

“Is that my sweater,” He asks. Jared is surprised by how high his voice is, but elects to ignore it. He opens his mouth to respond, but feels immensely awkward and can’t seem to make any words come out of his mouth, so he kinda just looks like a fish trying to breathe. Alana, thankfully, saves his ass but does not save him from blushing. Damn him and his awkwardness.

“Yeah, it is. Jared couldn’t get home last night and he needed clothes for school today. I’ll get your clothes back by like Friday,” She says calmly. Her brother shoots her a look.

“Alana, you know-”

“I know, Matt, I know. Just, can Jared please borrow it for right now? I can even fish out that one hoodie you’ve always loved out of my closet and let you borrow it, if you’d like.” Matt seems to consider this, and then finally nods.

‘Fine. Thank you, Alana,” He turns to Jared, “Make sure you don’t destroy that sweater,” Jared raises his hands.

“You’ve got my word, kid. Hey, Alana,” Alana glances up at him, “What time is it? My phone, uh,” Alana nods and glances at the microwave.

“It’s 7:18. We’ll leave in like 5 minutes. Make sure you’re ready, you guys.” Matt gets up from his spot at the table and puts his bowl in the sink, and is about to leave when Alana makes a sound.

“Oh, right! Matt, I moved your stuff to the other bathroom because I know you like privacy and all that. It might stay there for a few days,” Matt nodded.

“Thanks, Alana,” and he goes down the hall. Alana smiles at him even though he can’t see her and she chuckles quietly.

“You know, he’s kinda a pain sometimes, but I really love that kid,” She says. Jared nods, because he doesn’t really know what to say. Jared’s never really had a sibling. When he was younger he called Evan his adoptive brother, but promptly stopped after realizing his feelings ran deeper than that. He’d always wondered what having a sibling would be like.

“Is he in high school,” Jared asks, because that’s the first question that comes to mind.

“Yeah, he’s a freshman, so it wouldn’t surprise me if you’d never seen him. He’s a little bit short for his age, but he’s grown so much since middle school it’s wild,” Alana replies. Jared feels something pull at his heart, and he realizes it’s jealousy. Alana sounds so proud of her little brother, and it makes Jared want to have someone like that. He wishes someone could be proud of him like that.

“Hey, Jared,” Alana pulls him out of his thoughts, “after school… After school, you should turn on your phone. Or during lunch. You can’t ignore your phone forever. You can’t ignore your Mom forever.” Jared bites his lip. He knows Alana is right but he’s really scared. “Jared,” He looks up, “It’s okay to be scared. Now go get your stuff and make sure you’re ready before we leave.” He nods and heads back to the spare bedroom. His backpack is sitting at the foot of the small twin bed and his homework is inside of it, completely neglected. He considers doing it in the car or the library before school, but finds he doesn’t have the energy. All the clothes he was wearing the day before are folded and on top of his backpack waiting to be washed, but he isn’t sure what to do about that yet because he isn’t even sure if he has an actual home anymore. Which, that’s a really great thing to be thinking about 7 in the morning while you’re at a girls house and you don’t even  _ really _ know that girl all that well yet you’ve had multiple breakdowns in front of her, but you still don’t want to have another one in her spare bedroom because you accidentally came out to your hopefully-not-homophobic mom the day before and then bolted from your home out of pure fear but you aren’t even sure if that  _ is _ your home anymore and, and-

He needs to breathe.Like, seriously, he needs to calm down because his chest feels like it’s filling up with water again and he feels light headed.

In for five counts.

Hold for seven counts.

Breathe out for eight counts.

It’s like a chant in his head, counting number by number, focusing on the amount of time his breaths should take. He has to repeat this a few times until his breathing is back to normal, or at least close to normal. He grabs his bag, puts his dirty clothes inside, and walks into the living room, where Alana waits for him. She silently gets up and goes to the front door when she sees him and Jared follows her outside. They get into Alana’s car and they head to school. Jared doesn’t really pay attention in any of his classes because his whole mind is taken over by the thought of turning on his phone again, because he knows he has to. He isn’t even really living at this point, just going through the motions and frankly, it’s exhausting despite what you might expect. He sits with Alana during lunch and they talked but he doesn’t remember anything from their conversation because it was mostly just Alana talking and Jared trying his best to listen and respond but failing miserably. He knows that Alana notices that he isn’t all there but she doesn’t point it out either because she understands Jared might have another breakdown or because she’s already tired of dealing with his fragility. Either is possible, might even be a mixture of both, but Jared can’t seem to bother caring. Because she doesn’t know if he has the brain space to care. Evan isn’t in spanish today which does wonders to his current mental state, because even seeing Evan today would have thrown him into a completely unwanted session of him both psychoanalyzing everything he does so that he can pretend he doesn’t care what Evan does anymore but also just wanting Evan to fucking notice his existence, and him having a mental breakdown because he has a thing for Evan and he  _ told his mom that _ and he hasn’t spoken to his mom since. By the time he’s in Government, his last class of the day, his hands are shaking because he told Alana he’s walking himself home today and the test he’s taking looks like it’s written in a whole other language. When the bell rings he turns in a half finished test and walks out like some sort of zombie. He doesn’t have a car to sit in alone, so he just ends up walking to the nearest park, mostly just to stall. The park is nearly empty save for the man sleeping on one of the benches and a father and his two kids playing with an RC car.

It’s now or never, Jared knows that. He knows he has to stop stalling and just turn on his damn phone. He takes a deep breath as he pulls his phone out of his backpack and looks at it with fear.  He holds the power button and the phone lights up. He sits for an agonizing two minutes as he waits for the phone to boot up, going through the company logo, and his home screen pops up. Then, after a few seconds, the messages start rolling in. Jared feels like he’s going to be sick as message after message rolls in, his phone is buzzing for what feels like forever, and when it finally stops, Jared’s heart lurches. He reads  _ 13 messages from  _ **_birth giver_ ** and  _ 20 missed calls from  _ **_birth giver_ ** . Jared sits his ass down on the grass for fear of passing out as he opens the phone. He goes into his messages, hands shaking uncontrollably.

**Birth giver:**

_ 2:15 pm, yesterday _

-Jared, answer your phone.

-Jared, stop ignoring me.

-Jared Thomas Kleinman I swear to god if you don’t pick up your goddamn phone I will hunt you down and find you.

_ 3:31 pm, yesterday _

-Jared seriously, please pick up your phone, we need to talk.

_ 4:01 pm, yesterday _

-Jared, honey, please come home, it’s important. I know it’s only been two hours but I’m worried.

_ 6:11 pm, yesterday _

-Listen, I know you’re not picking up or reading my texts. Hell, your phone is probably off, but please come home. We seriously need to talk about this because this is huge

_ 9:57 pm, yesterday _

-Jared, please tell me when you come home 

_ 3:08 am, today _

-Jared I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were going through so much. I tried asking Hedi if she knew anything but she pretty much shut down when I asked. I still have no idea what is really happening and if you explain it to be I swear I’ll listen.

-I’m still pissed as all hell that you ran away and still aren’t answering but I’ll listen.

_ 5:40 am, today _

-I called in sick today so come home whenever, I’m not leaving until I see you and talk to you.

_ 9:39 am, today _

-Jared listen, the only reason I’m upset is because you were ditching classes and skipping school without telling me. I just want to understand what’s happening.

-also, please come home after school. I’m so worried.

_ 11:39 am, today _

-Jared please answer your phone, I need to talk to you

Jared finishes reading the messages and wants to feel relieved that she doesn’t seem to be yelling, and she isn’t disowning him, but there is something glaringly wrong.

**Insanely cool ;)** :

-Okay but what about the fact that I came out as gay. You still haven’t mentioned that.

He sends the message without thinking, because he’s almost frustrated that his mom isn’t saying anything. A bubble with three dots appears almost instantly.

**Birth giver:**

-Jared holy shit

-Why the fuck haven’t you been answering?

-Come home right now

Jared stares at disbelief at the messages. Is she going to ignore it?

**Insanely Cool ;)** :

-Okay but first answer my question. How do you feel about being gay

**Birth giver:**

-That doesn’t matter right now, we can talk about it when you get home.

**Insanely Cool ;)** :

-It matters to ME right now. Please answer the question

**Birth giver:**

-Jared stop being difficult and come home

Jared bitterly laughs at his phone and people are staring at him weirdly but he couldn’t care less because this is  _ absurd _ .

**Insanely Cool ;)** :

-Mom, this isn’t something you can just ignore out of existence. I am gay. A homosexual. A boy who likes boys. How does that make you feel. Disgusted? Proud? Confused? A simple one word answer will do, but a longer one is preferred.  
**Birth giver:**

-Jared, I’m not in the mood to do this right now. Just come home so we can talk.

**Insanely Cool ;)** :

-You know what? I might wait a while. See you later.

Jared closes the messages app in frustration. His phone buzzes with messages from his mom, but he ignores them. He can’t fucking believe her. His mom is just avoiding his questions, avoiding his sexuality, and it’s infuriating. He isn’t sure if this is better or worse than rejection, but it hurts nonetheless. He just wants  _ some _ sort of reaction out of her not just avoidance. So, even though he kinda just wants to go home and sleep in his own bed, Jared gets up off the floor, dusts himself off, and walks the opposite way of home. He didn’t really eat at lunch today and he’s pretty hungry, so he tries to find a restaurant close by. He knows there’s a small coffee shop nearby that’s pretty cheap so it’s probably his best bet since he only has 10 bucks on him. The rest of his money is back at home in his bedroom, and he sure as hell isn’t going back there anytime soon.

The walk to the coffee shop was uneventful, his phone kept going off, though, so he turned it off once more. The sky was clear considering it was november and the trees were bare, but it was honestly quite pretty. It reminded Jared of when him and Evan were in middle school and Evan first became obsessed with trees. It was right after Evan’s dad had left and Jared still isn’t sure what had triggered it, but he was suddenly obsessed with nature. Maybe focusing on the beauty of Trees and the seasons was a weird sort of coping mechanism that stuck, who knows, but Jared remembers how endearing it was to listen to Evan ramble on about trees. At the time, it was the only thing that really made him happy, and Jared could have spent literal hours listening to his friend ramble on about Sequoias, Bonsais, and Redwoods. The memory is bittersweet and it sets an ache deep in Jared’s chest, but he’s trying his best to ignore it. He was fine, just nostalgic. He sighs as he steps into the small shop, the smell of coffee beans and pastries assaulting his senses in the best way possible.

The coffee shop, called The Owls Nest, was warm, cozy, and very inviting. There was an older couple lounging in arm chairs chatting, a small group of students who seemed to be studying for their upcoming exams. Two highschool girls, no older than 15 probably, were sharing an armchair, squished very closely together, and watching a video of some sort. One of the girls seemed to be dozing off on the other's shoulder. At at cashier's counter, there is a small menu written on a chalkboard next to a stand of pastries.

Jared walked up to the front and an employee walked up to him.

“Hiya! What would you like to order?” The girl taking his order smiled cheerily at him.

“Uh, I’ll just have a large Caramel Latte and a coffee cake please.” The girl nodded and pushed some buttons on the cash register.

“That’ll be $7.35!” Jared hands over a 10 dollar bill.

“Keep the change,” He says awkwardly. The girls eyes light up and she smiles wider.

“Thank you! Your order will be out momentarily, have a nice day!” Jared smiles and nods, then walks off to find a seat. He settles for a small table in the corner of the small shop and sits down, taking a deep breath. He isn’t sure what to do anymore. He’s mega pissed at his mom now and he isn’t sure how to fix what he’s completely fucked up. Should he just go home and ignore his mom? Should he try explaining to her why this means so much to him? Should he not go home at all? It’s just frustrating, to say the least, because all Jared wants is for his mom to accept him. Even awkward acceptance would work, just awkwardly acknowledging that he likes boys every once in a while and maybe stop asking if he has a girlfriend. And maybe he’s being selfish because at least his mom isn’t immediately kicking him out. He has it better than some kids who are beaten and homeless for being LGBT. He has it better than that one kid Noah he met at GSA whose parents kicked them out because they were nonbinary. He’s got it better than the thousands of LGBT youth who have died because of who they are or who they love. So, yeah, perhaps Jared is being selfish right now, maybe he’s asking for too much. But, fuck, it would be nice to have a mom who accepts him. It’s be nice if him being gay wasn’t a huge deal, and his mom was just casual about it and didn’t fucking ignore it. Hell, maybe he’s just being plain rude to his mom. Maybe she wants to accept him but doesn’t know how. Maybe she is just confused and baffled, and maybe she just wants to talk about it face to face with Jared. Maybe Jared is just a really shitty person and he’s just being selfish and annoying right now. God, who knows at this point?

“Here you go, sir, a caramel latte and coffee cake!” An employee startles him out of his own thoughts. Jared mumbles an awkward ‘thank you’ and the employee leaves. Jared looks at his coffee, looks at the door, then grabs his things and leaves. Because he wants to be mad at his mom for longer, he wants to ignore her for a lot longer to show that she upset him, but he can’t. Frankly, he just wants to sleep in his own damn bed and text Alana because she is all he really has now and it’s kinda nice to have a friend again. And, sure, he isn’t even sure if Alana and him will get along, maybe they’ll end up hating each other eventually. But Jared’s a little tired of living in the future or past or whatever.

\---

Jared is staring at his front door when he starts to regret his decisions. Hindsight is kinda a bitch when he thinks about it, because what on earth was he doing? His mom is going to yell at him. She’s going to ground him. She’s probably just going so scream and cry until she gets tired and not let Jared talk and then send Jared to his room. Then she’ll fly out again because that’s what she does best, leaving things unfinished and then forgetting about them.

He sighs and puts his hand on the doorknob. He just wants this over with. He knows his mom is probably expecting him to come in though the side door, so he isn’t surprised to hear a chair scraping on the floor in his kitchen. He doesn’t even bother moving from his spot either because there are already angry footsteps coming his way and an angry voice to go with it.

“Jared I swear to god you better have a good fucking reason to just come home out of the blue after ignoring my texts for over a day,” His mom rounds the corner and he braces himself for a full on yelling match, “I am your mother and you should be grateful th-” She stops dead in her tracks as she looks him over. Her expression changes from angry to confused to worried a few times and it’s confusing as hell. She sighs and sounds so god damn defeated.

“Listen, Jared, I’m still pissed and you’re grounded for a week, but I wasn’t lying when I said I was ready to listen. So please, explain yourself,” Jared isn’t really sure what just happened but he definitely isn’t complaining. So, he leads his mom into the livingroom, and regails her with the story of his senior year. It takes a while to explain everything because there is a surprising amount of backstory involved. And it’s hard, like absurdly hard, and Jared nearly starts crying half way through because he knows how this story will end. And his mom even stays true to her word and she actually  _ listens _ to him. She sits through his entire story with minimal interruption and she takes everything in. And when he finishes she seems a bit stunned and she’s quiet for a minute or two. Jared doesn’t even blame her either because it’s a lot to take in and if she was willing to listen to his story for an hour he’s willing to let her take everything in and not press her to talk about what he  _ really _ wants to talk about.

“Jared I. Wow,” She looks at him obviously baffled, “I had no idea I’m. I’m so sorry.” Jared shrugs and pretends his throat isn’t closing up.

“You couldn’t have done anything to prevent it,” He says shortly. His mom just nods and they relapse into an uncomfortable silence. Jared wants to ask her about him being gay again. Like he is seriously debating it. He knows it will just ruin whatever kind of peace him and his mom currently have, but he can’t really just leave it unsaid.

“So, Jared,” His mom pipes up, “You’re gay.” Jared nods, eyes wide. He hadn’t expected his mom to be the one to start this conversation.

“Uh, yeah, Kinda am,” He says. His mom bites the inside of her cheek.

“Listen I’m not like, mad or anything. I love you regardless, obviously,” Jared feels like a weight lifted off his shoulder, “And I’m sorry if I made you feel any other way. I know I haven’t really been around and stuff and I can’t imagine how much pain you’re going through. While this doesn’t mean you should run away and avoid you mom for an entire day,” His mom gives him a dirty look, “I am sorry.” Jared feels his throat close up again and he doesn’t really want to cry, but he’s a teenage boy and he has emotions just like everyone else. So, he just hugs his mom and cries into her arms. Because call him weak, a sissy, call him names all you want, he kinda missed the motherly and tender love his mom used to give him. Especially with everything happening, he feels like he hasn’t been able to have a moment like this in years. But maybe that wasn’t an illusion, maybe it had been years. Who knows. Jared just knows that he missed this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOD I'm so tired of writing angst. I miss writing fluff!! Which is Ironic since my datemate and I just recently broke up like a week before publishing this?? But yea h I'm just ready to Stop Writing Angst so like. Let's hope this sudden need for fluff lasts through the entire next chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said I wanted to write fluff? Oops.  
> TW: Yelling, fighting, mentions of dead characters, mentions of toxic relationships

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Jared are ASSHOLES, but I want this o be realistic as possible, so.

It’s probably been about two months since Jared made friends with Alana. And if he’s honest with himself, that was a damn good decision. Sure, his life obviously isn’t perfect, whos is, but he’s actually kinda happy now. He’s actually cleaning up the house a little bit now before Alana comes over. Which, he usually doesn’t do that, but he’s hardcore procrastinating on this spanish assignment that he should be doing. He doesn’t really understand it though, which is obviously a valid reason to be procrastinating. He has the Falsettos soundtrack blaring through his wireless speakers because the soundtrack is a bop and he refuses to stop listening to it. Jared’s in a pretty good mood as well, and it’s really freeing, like there isn’t anything weighing down on him. He’s still on winter break and it’s a new year finally, so maybe this year will actually be good, unlike last year, He’s feeling pretty hopeful which will most likely bite him in the ass later, but it’s whatever.

He’s about halfway through the song The Games I Play, debatably one of the best songs on the soundtrack, when the doorbell of his house rings. It’s only 11am and Alana isn’t supposed to be here until like 1pm, and his mom is on another trip, so he had no idea who it was. He just assumed it was just one of those guys from the church down the way trying to sell their church to him, so he just kinda ignored it. The doorbell rang again, though, and if doorbells could sound hesitant, Jared had a feeling this one would be extremely so. He pauses his music and heads over to the front door.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” He yells in the general direction of the door as he makes his way down the stairs. He considers looking through the peephole to make sure it isn’t like, a murderer with an axe, but if it was a murderer then they probably wouldn’t be knocking. Now, Jared isn’t really sure what he was expecting when he opened the door but whatever it was, it sure as hell  _ wasn’t _ what he got. No no, instead of getting an axe murderer or Alana coming over early to surprise him or whatever, it was Evan Hansen. Yep, that’s right, Evan fucking Hansen was standing outside his door, hand posed over the doorbell ready to ring it again, surprised and anxious face on display. Evan’s hand slowly moved away from the doorbell button and just kinda laid limply at his side.

Now, Jared could have done a multitude of things in this situation. He could have just told Evan to go away and closed the door in his face. He could have yelled and screamed and been pissed. Could have cried. Could have been relieved or scared or just something. But, nah, his dumbass his weak for Evan. Evan and his dumb hazel eyes and soft looking brown hair and his dumb freckles. So, he just kinda stands there, stunned. He isn’t sure if this is better or worse than yelling at Evan. Probably worse. Because now he’s just staring Evan down and is probably making the taller boy uncomfortable.

“Jared, uh, hi,” Evan starts off awkwardly. Jared feels his heart simultaneously start beating like a thousand miles a minute and stop beating all together.

“What are you  _ doing  _ here,” It comes out cold and harsh and everything he doesn’t want to be feeling right now, but can he really blame himself? 

“I’m just uh, I’m just,” Evan takes a deep breath, “Listen, Jared, w-we need to talk.” Jared knows Evan is trying his damn hardest to be assertive and all that and Jared would be lying if he said it wasn’t kinda adorable, but Evan sounded so nervous. And scared. And Jared’s heart is just kinda having an aneurysm and his mouth is dry and his hands are shaking and he wants to give in  _ so _ bad, but Evan hurt him. Like a lot. So his asshole instinct kicks in.

“Oh, so  _ now _ you want to talk,” He scoffs, “Only took you months.” Evan looks at him, obviously hurt, but refuses to back down.

“J-jared please I just want to-”

“Want to what, hu? Apologize? Because it’s a little bit late for that,” Jared says. Evan makes an aggravated sound.

“Jared please just stop being so difficult and just let me explain myself. I’m trying to mend this relationship,” Evan says, his voice has a certain edge to it that Jared knows all too well. Evan is starting to get angry. 

“Well, Evan, why would you? I thought you had  _ plenty _ of new friends to keep you busy. I thought you had  _ Connor _ . I mean, you did a few months ago when you basically told me to go fuck myself,” Jared’s fists are clenched. This isn’t how he’d imagine this conversation would go, but he should have. He should have  _ known _ .

“Jared you are- _ were _ my best friend, why wouldn’t I want to fix us?” Jared’s heart and brain were physically arguing at this point. Because, logically, he should just shut the door in his face. But he also, annoyingly enough, missed Evan so  _ damn _ much. He wanted Evan to be around again. He wanted a second chance. But he also didn’t deserve one, because he was and still is such a shitty person.

“But  _ why _ Evan! You have so many other better friends than me! You’ve got Zoe and Connor and like the  _ entire _ fucking school! Why would you want someone like me,” Evan scoffed and his face went sour.

“I should have  _ known _ you wouldn’t want to be my friend again,” Evan laughs bitterly, “You were only my friend for the car insurance anyway.” Jared felt something in him snap. He was so  _ tired _ of pretending.

“Evan Hansen, have you  _ met _ my mom? She thinks that you and I are best friends! She literally thinks that you and I are at my house every single weekend and that we would die for eachother! She would also never force me to hang out with someone, ever,” Evan looks confused, but he continues on, “Also, don’t go on thinking I don’t want to fix our friendship, because I do. I want to so bad it actually hurts because you know what, you were  _ right _ . I didn’t have any other friends. And guess what, asshole! I actually fucking care about you!”

“Then  _ why _ -”

“Because I’m scared, Evan,” He deadpans. His throat is closing up a little and he’s scared but he keeps going. “I was scared of you, I don’t know, not liking me anymore? I was I scared and insecure and anxious, but instead of caving in on myself and clinging I became cocky and annoying. I thought people would like me better if was sure of myself and I started holding you at arms length because I was so damn scared of everything and everyone. It was all just a dumb lie that I thought would make me like myself better but it made me hate myself more,” He sighs defeatedly, “I never hated you, Evan. I always have cared about you, I just kinda. Ya know. Fucked up bad.”

“Jared, I understand,” Evan looks at him and he kinda looks bad but behind that Jared can see he’s kinda pissed still. “I understand why you did it, but did you ever think how much it  _ hurt _ me? Because it kinda fucking sucked having you constantly bully me and pretending to not like me when you actually did,” Jared opens his mouth but Evan keeps going, “No, Jared, this is  _ my _ time to be honest. I am so tired of you talking over me all the damn time. You hurt me so much and you so fucking  _ mean _ to me! But then you would sometimes be suddenly nice and do good things for me and help me and it was exhausting. Because it was always this dumb fucking mind game and I couldn’t tell if you liked me or not. I wanted to hate you so  _ much _ Jared but I couldn’t because I knew deep down you were a good person but I just,” Evan makes an annoyed sound.

“Evan, I know I hurt you. And I’m always going to be pissed at myself for doing that to you,” Jared started slowly, “And I’m so unbelievably  _ sorry _ , and I wish that I wasn’t such an insecure asshole. I wish that I hadn’t treated you like shit, and I want to make it up to you, like seriously,” Evan bites his lip contemplatively, “But if we are going to make this friendship work we  _ both _ have to work for it because I’m not the only one in the wrong here, Evan.” Evan made an indignant squak.

“What do you  _ mean _ jared, all I ever did was treat you nicely! How am I in the wrong!”

“Evan you hurt me too! Do you know how much it fucking sucks having your best friend leave you for a  _ fake friendship _ ? You just used me as a stepping stone to fame!”

“Jared what do you mean,” Evan interrupts, “You’re the one who said you’d help me with the emails.” Jared laughs.

“Yeah, okay, but who’s the one who told me to piss off after I admitted that maybe we were doing something, I don’t know, wrong? Think about it Evan! After people started talking to you and you finally got to make out with Zoe I was  _ irrelevant  _ to you. Hell, I was already a pretty pointless part of the team! The connor project has always been known as an ‘Evan and Alana’ thing. Never once has it been considered an ‘Evan, Alana, and Jared’ thing. All I did was write you fake emails that you tossed 8/10 times and then made me backdate them. And I tried to talk to you more, but you just blew me off for Connor, someone who is  _ dead _ , and Zoe. And, Shit, Evan, that hurts like hell. Then When I try and confront you and tell you that maybe we should cut the crap. Maybe we should admit that this was kinda a bad idea, you fucking turned on  _ me _ . You told me just to fuck off and have a nice life.”

“You threatened to tell people it was a lie, Jared,” Evan said angrily.

“Yeah, because I wanted to tell the  _ truth _ , Evan,” He said Evan’s name as pointedly as he could. There were a few tears running down his face now because he was both mega pissed and incredibly upset. “I want to make this friendship work, Evan, more than anything in the  _ world _ , but you have to apologize to.”

“Jared, jesus christ, stop trying to play the victim card. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings or whatever but that shit pales in comparison to what you did to me.”

It felt like a slap to the face. The good ol ‘yeah, that sucks, but I have it worse’ card.

“Evan, I’m calling you the fuck out right now to say that was kinda a really shitty thing to say.” Evan rolls his eyes and scoffs.

“Whatever, Jared, this was a mistake. Have a nice life.” And Evan Hansen, the boy who Jared was still kinda in love with because that shit is persistent, the boy who is an absolute asshole but one that Jared misses, walks off Jareds porch and doesn’t look back. And that was the breaking point once again. He closes the door and falls to the floor simultaneously and he’s crying and just damn tired. He isn’t crying particularly hard, which is surprising, but any and all energy is gone and all he wants is to drink hot cocoa and sleep. But Alana is coming over today and he doesn’t want to cancel on her, to he texts her.

**Jared ;)**

-Hey Alana when are you going to get here because like. Something just happened

-Like, something not good?

-I just need a friend or something rn :/

**Laaannna**

-What happened???

-Are you okay??

-Did someone hurt you??

-Are you DEAD

**Jared ;)**

-Evan came over and we had a fight??

-Imean not really

-emotionally yes

-only on the inside I am

**Laaannna**

-Wait what do you MEAN Evan came over?

-Jared what the heck!!!!

**Jared ;)**

-Dont get your hopes up, it aint good

-He came over to like, fix our friendship or whatever but it went south REAL fast

-I explained to him why I was such an asshole to him all the time nd how I’m insecure

-all that good jazz

-and the he was like yeah well you hurt me??

-and I told him I was sorry and that I didn’t want to hurt him

-and then he just fuckin. Went OFF

\- I tried telling him that I wasn’t the only bad guy here and he fucking

-he played the ‘well i have it worse’ card

-nd then he left.

-and now I’m on the floor kinda having a bit of a freak out.

**Laaannna**

-w o a h

-That’s so????

-brb, I need to take care of some business.

**Jared** **;)**

-Wym

-Alana what do you mean

-are you texting evan???

-Holy shit that’s exactly what you’re doing aren’t you.

**Laaannna**

-Calling him, actually.

**Jared ;)**

-Hey Lana

-how about we

-Not

Jared feels a small panic rise in his chest. He didn’t actually think that Alana would  _ talk to Evan about it _ . He had just kinda expected Alana to comfort him or whatever like she usually does. Maybe she’s tired of doing that, who knows, but now he’s kinda really scared. Like kinda fucking terrified. Because what if Evan goes off on her as well? What if Evan takes out his anger on Jared again and things get even worse than they already are. The thought makes Jared feel sick to his stomach because if things got even  _ worse _ … god. Jared wants so desperately to be friends with Evan again but he won’t be able to if things keep up like this. Which, that’d be kinda really shitty because as much as Jared loves Alana he wants Evan back. Maybe all three of them could be friends, it’d be nice.

Jared’s phone buzzes in his hand making him jump. He glances down and notices a text from Alana.

**Laaannna**

-HE HUNG UP ON ME

-RIGHT AFTER YELLING AT ME FOR TALKING TO YOU

-WHAT THE FUCK

**Jared ;)**

-Did you just curse?

-Also yikes?????

-Guess I really pissed him off hu

**Laaannna**

-Jared honey this wasn’t your fault

-He’s just a dick.

-Why do you want to be friends with him anyway. Like no offence but he seems so toxic??

**Jared ;)**

-Because

-you know why alana

**Laaannna**

-Well yeah you miss him and stuff

-you’ve told me that much

-but I feel like there has to be more to it?

Jared bites his lip. He wants to tell Alana the truth, he does, but God he’s so damn scared. He isn’t even sure why he’s scared but he is and that’s frustrating in itself. Does he have anything to lose by telling Alana? Like seriously? Maybe like, his last bit of dignity and probably all his sanity but that’s about it. He probably  _ should _ just tell Alana what’s up because it would help explain a lot.

**Jared ;)**

-I just. It’s because

-because like.

-you know how like.

-I’m like.

**Laaannna**

-Jared stalling wont help you

-but if you don’t want to tell me, I get it

**Jared ;)**

-It’s not that I don’t /want/ to

-it’s just.

-hard.

**Laaannna**

-It’s okay, i get it Jared.

-Listen, I gotta go but i’ll talk to you later

**Jared ;)**

-talk to you later then.

Jared takes a deep breath and slowly moves himself off the ground and moves towards the stairs and goes up, heading straight to his bedroom. He debates on giving up on cleaning his bedroom and just leaving it half organized but he needs something to do for the next hour and thirty minutes. He has also read a few studies that say that say cleaning and living in an organized environment helps clear your mind or whatever. He doesn’t fully believe that, barely believes it actually, but he truly needs something,  _ anything _ , to help distract him from himself. From Evan. From how fucked up everything is.

Jared opens his spotify and finds a new song to play and puts it on repeat. It opens not-to subtly and with lots of screaming because it’s a live recording. Call him childish, but he really likes the song “Stutter” from A Very Potter Sequel. It makes him feel a little empowered, which is something he desperately needs right now. After the first few plays of the song, Jared is full on singing the song and dancing around his room while cleaning. His chest is tight with emotions and his eyes are kinda watery but he’s kinda having the time of his life.

Sure, Jared’s really pissed still. He’s upset that Evan won’t acknowledge his toxicity and he’s upset that he wants so badly to forgive him. He’s upset that he’s alone right now and that, currently, his happiness is coming from a song from a fucking Harry Potter fan-made musical, but it’s kinda all he’s got. Sure, He’s got Alana but she’s busy right now and he shouldn’t rely on his friends to make him happy. So he lets the song consume him and he lets himself go. He lets his chest fill up with emotion and he lets tears escape from his eyes freely. He isn’t really crying because he’s sad, but it’s not euphoric or stress crying either. If anything, it's a ‘I just really need to cry for no reason’ crying and Jared would usually hold that kind of crying in because he is supposed to be strong and all that shit. He isn’t supposed to cry because he’s ‘a man’ and men don’t show emotion. But honestly fuck that because men  _ do _ cry. So Jared lets the tears fall from his face as he yells the lyrics to Stutter and he slowly but surely makes progress in his bedroom.

Soon enough, he hears a loud knock on his door. The sound nearly gives him a heart attack but he quickly pauses his music. He calls out to the front door that he’ll be down in a minute and runs into the restroom. Looking into the mirror he sees that he looks less than amazing so he tries to wash his face off, but it doesn’t do much. His face is still red and his eyes are puffy and his nose is runny but he can’t find it in himself to care. He actually feels… okay. His head is a little bit clearer and his chest isn’t tight anymore. He feels pretty neutral, which is a nice change from the usual overwhelming feeling of sad.

Jared runs out of the bathroom and down the stairs when he hears another knock. He reaches the front door and opens it to Alana holding two small cartons of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, one cookie dough and one mint chip, and a small overnight bag. Jared feels himself smile nd he quickly hugs Alana because, god, what did he ever do to deserve a friend like her.

“I thought you might need some cheering up,” She says as Jared lets go, “I also brought Elf and a few other movies I thought you’d like.” Jared smiles even bigger and feels literally any other tension left in his body leave.

“Thank you, Alana. It means a lot.” She smiles at him.

“Of course, Jared! Now let’s go set up in the family room.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so so SO much for reading this!! If you ever need to contact me/you wanna murder me for whatever I wrote (I wouldn't even blame you) You can find me on Tumblr (Spaceboy-tobi) and Instagram (spacekid.tobi or ibot.art)  
> Also, I appreciate any and all kudos and (try to) reply to all comments!!  
> Oh, also! If there is anything that I didn't put a tw for in the beginning notes that you think should be warned please please tell me and I'll get right on it! (That was worded weird but you get the gist)  
> Thank you for reading! till next time my guys, gals, and nb pals :)


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